2014 As Experienced By Me

In the 12 months leading up to Christmas, my lovely life brought to me:

January: New year, new beginnings,
new hope, book club.

February: Rehearsals for a show, questions
and answers of life and faith.

March: Night of Broadway, visiting the padres in San Francisco.

April: Familiar co-workers at a new job, working out with a trainer (aka learning to love exercise OTHER THAN running), volunteering at the prison, X-rays and MRIs trying to figure out why my knee won’t function properly.

May: New baby niece, annual Disney trip but this time to Florida for Disneyworld, butterbeer and cronuts.

June: World Cup fever (vamos arriba!), 10 year High School Reunion making me feel old, loved watching a good friend go through the temple, expanding my artistic horizons at the Sun Tunnels.

July: A month of family, parents coming home from mission, all of my siblings in one place at one time, driving kiddos from Utah to Ohio, babysitting a different set of kiddos in Kansas, found the beginnings of love.

August: New knee doctor with a new solution, Bear Lake to water ski, moved to a new apartment after almost 4 years, dream trip to New York with my besties.

September: A month of tears, woke up from knee surgery crying tears of joy, lost a dear family friend, tender moments watching my best friend marry the man she loves.

October: More friends marrying their 

true loves, drove a Ferrari just because.

November: Long late hours at work, launched 

a new website, another broken heart.

December: Another month of family, Ohio to visit my brothers and celebrate a life-long love of Tolkien with “The Hobbit”, another book club, celebrating Christmas with the people I love.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” So grateful for all the amazing people in my life, for the love and acceptance they so freely give me, for the hours of laughing and talking and crying and for the love of my Savior every day.

Gratitude: Rekindled by a Spark

Today would have been my mother’s 71^st birthday. It’s been almost 13 years and I’m amazed at how I seem to miss her more as time goes on. This last week was particularly hard, due mostly to my long hours at work, short hours of sleep, high levels of stress and some difficult questions weighing on my mind. She was so smart and kind and full of wisdom; sometimes I feel certain that if I could talk to her, she would have the perfect answer to fix everything.

I was lucky enough to date a great guy who sings in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir this summer – it didn’t work out, but I got in the habit of going to Music and the Spoken Word every Sunday. When we broke up, I didn’t go because it just seemed best to stay away. However, on Sunday morning I felt really strongly that I should get up and go. I asked a couple of friends to come along, but no one was free so I went by myself. It was their Thanksgiving special - the music was beautiful, but I was distracted and caught up in memories and my own thoughts.

And then, they started singing their last song – “Come Thou Fount.” Instantly, tears filled my eyes. That was the song I sang at my mother’s funeral. That song represents everything my mother stood for, and the plea that I so frequently bring to my Heavenly Father in prayer. It was like a huge hug from my mom, and a reminder that He is so aware of me.

(As a side note, the guy sitting in front of me happened to turn around and see me crying – he was very much interested in engaging me in conversation about my distress, so I was glad they were recording and we couldn’t talk! It was probably pretty entertaining to watch.)

I don’t pretend to believe that “Come Thou Font” was chosen for that broadcast JUST because I was having a rough week and needed a little TLC. I know that those programs are planned out in advance and a lot of planning and coordination goes into them. However, I believe that God knows what we need and gives us guidance to put us in the right place at the right time to get what we need. He is constantly trying to answer our prayers – we just have to be willing to trust Him and do as He asks.

Life is so imperfect. There are ups and downs, highs and lows. Only finding happiness in the high moments is no way to live. We must choose to feel gratitude, not just for ‘things’ but feeling gratitude in all circumstances. “This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer.” I need to work on just feeling gratitude, not necessarily towards certain things, but in general. However, I do want to express gratitude for a few things.

He taught me everything good I know.

My amazing family, who give me a straight path to follow to happiness. My nieces and nephews, who bring me so much joy and teach me to be better. My dad, the voice in my head telling me that I can accomplish anything I want to. My friends, who tolerate my insanity with patience and humor. Music, for reminding me to feel something significant every day. My job, and of course the co-workers that come along with it for making getting up in the morning easier. My country. My freedom. Mountains. Spreadsheets. Diet Coke.

And of course, for the gospel of Jesus Christ, for shaping every moment of my life, giving meaning to my trials and struggles, and bringing me the hope and strength to find joy in the journey of life. Happy Holidays, dear ones.

For the beauty of the earth.

The Capacity to Face Trouble with Courage

The past few weeks have been . . . intense. Three of the best friends I've ever had are married. I'm so, so excited for them and the lives that await them with their husbands (they really found some great guys to marry), but a part of me is sad that our relationships will change. These are women with whom I've been through thick and thin, seen the ups and downs of relationships, joked that we would be single together forever and traveled together around the world.

My car has decided to get needy the past few weeks. Blew out a tire, had to replace all four of them, and fix the alignment. On the way back from the mechanic, a semi-truck kicked up a huge rock and shattered my windshield. I got a fix-it-ticket for my headlight being out, paid to have it replaced only to find out from another officer that they hadn't actually replaced it, but had just charged me for it.

Around this time I started asking my friends if they remembered me kicking a puppy or something recently, because I had some seriously bad karma running around the universe.

I love love love my job - my co workers are fabulous and I love what I do. But it's retail, and retail during the holidays means stress and more stress, so things have been a little crazy around the office.

Also during this same period, I started having relationship issues. (I know, shocking. I NEVER have relationship drama, so it's totally out of the blue.) Inevitably, this led to feelings of self doubt, hurt and despondence. It also led to a lack of sleep.

I didn't sleep for a couple nights in a row, and my energy started dropping. I refilled my Ambien prescription and had several solid nights of sleep. My energy dropped some more. I started working out consistently for the first time since my surgery. My head started hurting constantly. I ate healthier. My eye began twitching from the exhaustion and close friends were asking if I was sleeping and if I'd been crying recently. I increased my caffeine intake. My throat started hurting.

Long story short, I have mono. It's certainly not the end of the world, but I will confess to feeling overwhelmed this weekend. I've been trying so hard to be good; to do good. To be happy even though I feel terrible. To work hard and focus and reach outside of myself. To keep my eye focused on the important things in life and continue to be kind even though I'd really rather just speak my mind.

I asked my brother in law for a blessing of health. In the blessing, he told me to remember that trials are for my good - that trials make me better. They aren't something to tear me down or something to simply be endured, but that I will come out of them better. Not worse.

Haruki Murakami said, "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." Such a simple concept, yet I have to be constantly reminded of this. Trials make us who we are! They give us the strength to dig deep, to become more.

A man who endured great trials was once quoted to say, "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."

30 Before 30 - 30 Books

When I was creating my 30 Before 30 list, I knew I wanted to include a goal about reading. Not that I needed to set a goal about it, since I’m constantly reading, but I thought it would encourage me to read books that I’ve been “meaning” to read for years and force me outside of my comfort zone. I love rereading books, and I tend to read the same things over and over again rather than branch out. However, in retrospect I maybe should have set more of stretch goal in this area . . . like maybe 300 books.

Regardless, I felt like my books goal deserved its own post since I love discussing books so much. So here it is – the 30 (new) books I’ve read since I made this goal last summer! I’m also including how I read it – Audiobook, Kindle or physical book. Because I’m a geek and that kind of information is interesting to me . . .

1. “The Mortal Instruments – City of Bones” by Cassandra Clare (Audiobook)

The movie was coming out soon, and I’m always looking for a fun book series to get lost in. Sometimes I struggle to connect with the reader for audiobooks – that might have been the case here because I was underwhelmed with most of this book. I finished it, but only because I was running long distances at the time and needing something to listen to.

2. “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green (Audiobook)

This was a random book I found on a best sellers playlist and purchased out of the aforementioned need for running material. Finished it within two days because I couldn’t stop listening to it. Quickly has become one of my favorites (I know, I know – me and every 15 year old girl in the US). One of my favorite quotes: “Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.”

3. “Sagebrush Brides” by Carol Cox (Physical Book)

I have a strange collection of books in my possession that I couldn’t for the life of me tell you where they came from. It’s possible I raid books from my parent’s house without knowing it . . . if you’re ever missing a book after I’ve been to your house, feel free to accuse me. This was very similar to what you would expect from the title – silly love stories set in the old west.

4. “An Abundance of Katherine’s” by John Green (Audiobook)

With the wild success of TFIOS, I went for another John Green. Honestly . . . didn’t love it. Too much useless language. Or maybe I was too disturbed by the idea of creating a mathematical equation to determine the success of a relationship when I can’t quite get my spreadsheet of former relationships to result in any meaningful trend analysis. True story . . .

5. “Beautiful Boy” by David Sheff (Audiobook)

This was when I was still logged into my ex-boyfriend’s Audible account. (Don’t worry, he was using my Netflix login. We had worked it out.) I remember he had recommended it, and I was blown away. Gave me a lot of insight into what it must be as a parent to watch your lovely child make bad decisions, and how hard it is to walk away. Big empathy builder.

6. “Fahrenheit 451” by Ray Bradbury (Audiobook and Kindle)

At least a dozen times in my life when I’ve mentioned I love to read, I’ve been asked if I had read this book. It’s been on my list forever. As previously mentioned, I sometimes struggle with audiobooks depending on who’s reading it, so I had to switch to the Kindle about 3 chapters into this one. Loved it. Was disturbed by it. Continue to bring this one up in conversations. Quote: “If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn.”

7. “Mr. Darcy Broke My Heart” by Beth Pattillo (Physical Book)

Another book that I can’t account for where it came from. Whatever you’re inferring from the title, you’re right.

8-12.“The Selection” series by Kiera Cass (Kindle)

This series actually accounts for the next 4 books as well, so I’ll just knock out the whole thing here. Another best seller list, took a chance. It’s The Hunger Games meets The Bachelor and I loved it. I started reading before the final book came out, but I managed to get my sister and her daughter hooked on it while we waited, just so I had someone who was feeling the pain too.

13. “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak (Audiobook and Kindle)

Another one that everyone asks if I’d read, another that I had to switch from audiobook to kindle. It also happens to be one of my best friend’s favorite books of all time, and the movie was coming out. As good as everyone told me it was going to be. Quote: “A DEFINITION NOT FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY - Not leaving: an act of trust and love, often deciphered by children”

14. “Cinder” by Marissa Meyer (Audiobook)

A risk taken off a random internet recommendation. I thought I was interested enough to keep reading, but I’ve had the sequel for months and haven’t picked it up. Mostly want to know how it ends and haven’t been able to find a good summary online to satiate my curiosity.

15. “Persuasion” by Jane Austen (Audiobook)

There are classics made into movies that I love, but I’ve never read them. It turns out you can frequently buy the audiobooks for cheap. Have loved this story for years – loved the book even more.

16. “The Poisonwood Bible” by Barbara Kingsolver (Audiobook)

One that had been recommended by several people. Interesting read – listened to it while I was commuting up to Midway for a show I was in. The characters rubbed me the wrong way, which I suppose was kind of the point on some level.

17. “David and Goliath” by Malcolm Gladwell (Physical Book)

I joined a book club at the beginning of the year, which has been amazing. I’ve read so many books that I might not have read otherwise. This was the first, and it continues to be one I reference constantly in everything from business meetings to church meetings to first dates. Quote: “Much of what we consider valuable in our world arises out of (these) one-sided conflicts. Because the act of facing overwhelming odds, produces greatness and beauty.”

18. “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand (Kindle)

Book Club Book. Hands down, one of the most incredible stories I have ever heard. Possibly one of the hardest books I’ve ever read, but comparable to “The Hiding Place” for me. (Those of you who know me well know that I’ve referred to that book on at least a monthly basis since I read it 15 years ago.)

19. “Paper Towns” by John Green (Audiobook)

Another John Green attempt. I’ve decided at this point I really only loved TFIOS and it must have just been the cancer/death theme that I related to. Quote: “I'm starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It's so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”

20. “The Aviator’s Wife” by Melanie Benjamin (Kindle)

Book Club Book. Historical Fiction about Charles Lindberg’s wife. Generated a lot of good discussion, but the character drove me crazy with her choices.

21. “Edenbrooke” by Julianne Donaldson (Kindle)

If by some miracle there is someone still reading this post and you are a woman and you haven’t read Edenbrooke, STOP EVERYTHING AND GO READ THIS!! It’s an easy read and I think I audibly sighed about 82 times during the few hours it took me to read it. I kind of want to go reread it right now in fact . . .

22. “The Problem of Pain” by C.S. Lewis (Audiobook)

I’ve listened to this one 3 times since I purchased it. Per usual, he manages to strengthen my testimony of Christ and ensure me that I can make it through whatever is going on. Quote: “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.”

23. “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Alborn (Physical Book)

Started reading this book when it was given to me by a BF several years ago. Didn’t finish it, we broke up and I stowed it away. When it was my turn to pick a book for book club, I wanted a reason to finish it, so this was what I chose. Love his observations on pain and living and what’s really important. Quote: “Accept who you are; and revel in it.”

24. “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd (Kindle)

Book Club Book. Decent read, decent conversation.

25. “The Currents of Space” by Isaac Asimov (Audiobook)

One of the more bizarre books I’ve ever read. It was cheap and I needed something to listen to at the gym, but it was rare that it would hold my attention throughout an entire workout. As such, it took me a good month to listen to this short book.

26. “Duty to the Dead” by Charles Todd (Kindle)

I spent the whole book feeling like I was just about to get interested in what was going on. I didn’t quite make it, but it was good enough that I bought the next one in the series and it’s in my Kindle queue.

27. “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn (Kindle)

Book Club Book. I honestly feel embarrassed to admit that I made it through this entire book because the language is so horrendous. I think I was one of two people who actually read it in the club. Definitely not a touchy-feely read.

28. “Love Letters to the Dead” by Ava Dellaira (Audiobook)

I actually bought this one because I found a Buzzfeed post that had a ton of quotes from it and I was really intrigued by what I read. However, I was so distracted by the underage drinking, bad choices and unhealthy way of dealing with pain and death that I can’t ever remember hearing any of the quotes that I loved from the original post. For the record, quote: “You can be noble and brave and beautiful and still find yourself falling.”

29. “Northanger Abbey” by Jane Austen (Audiobook)

Another of the classics that I’d never read. My least favorite Austen book because I feel like the heroine doesn’t actually do anything heroic. But then again, how many of our lives would feel heroic to someone looking in?

30. “The Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson (Kindle)

Last but not least! Book Club Book. Hands down one of the most disturbing books I’ve ever read. True story of a serial killer in the 1893 World’s Fair. Not all of the members of book club made it through, and I may or may not have had to read roughly 5 chapters in the Book of Mormon before I could go to sleep after I finished it.

So there it is! I know this post was ridiculously long, but I had fun keeping track of the books as I read them, and I loved the things that I learned. Two things I love about reading: the fact that it takes me away to a different place, and the fact that when I come back, I’m never quite the same.

Frame the Rainbow

Mae West once said, “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” But what does it mean to live right? Our lives here on earth are so short, so small in comparison with the eternal verities. I think all of us long to make a lasting impact on the world; to have our names lauded and praised through the generations as someone who made everyone’s lives better and did something important. I believe most causes, and people for that matter, start out that way, whatever they become as time goes by. But in reality, the odds that I will do something that will change the course of history are miniscule at best. I don’t have any talents that will propel me into the limelight of fame. I don’t have political aspirations. And while I tend to think my spreadsheets are revolutionary, my profession is unlikely to lead me to a universe-altering discovery.

With that cold reality staring us in the face, one is left to ponder the question yet again: What does it mean to live right? Life is so imperfect – there are days filled with deadlines, stress, illness, death, war, contention, cows in the basement, bad hair days and the reality that donuts are never a good idea. Each day is filled with trials that bog us down and hold us back from achieving our potential.

Or maybe that’s not quite the case. I once had a teacher who had a unique outlook on trials. Whenever he was telling us a story about a hard time, he would follow up the story with an enthusiastic, “What an opportunity!” I can still hear it in my head. Perhaps our trials truly are opportunities. To make us tough. To make us tender. To help us learn. To prepare us for the future. To show us what we are capable of. What a glorious possibility!

Life can be so random and beautiful and randomly beautiful. I recently read the blog of a woman who was in her last days of life – she had terminal cancer and was writing one last post to remind people what things really matter. She said, " . . . enjoy life. Take it by both hands, grab it, shake it and believe in every second of it. . . . Embrace your loved one and if they cannot embrace you back, find someone who will. Everyone deserved to love and be loved in return. Don’t settle for less. . . . Choose [your friends] wisely then treasure them with all the love you can muster. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Life has a lot of grey and sadness – look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it."

A few things that "frame the rainbow" in my life . . .

So maybe that's what it means to live life right - maybe it just means to appreciate the things around us, to find joy in the mundane, to rise above what our circumstances would have us feel. There’s always something to be grateful for, something to love. I’m grateful for the way I feel when I hear really good harmony. I love the way freshly painted nails look. My 4 month old niece laughed for me the other day – wow, that was an amazing sound. I’m thankful that my dear friend makes the most amazing cookies on earth and that they have oatmeal in them, so I can have them for breakfast and call it a win-win. There’s always joy in the journey, if we choose to see it.

In the words of John Green, “It’s a good life, Hazel Grace.”

Love Anyway

This is, undoubtedly, becoming a tired subject for those of you who read my blog consistently. But as someone who has spent most of her adult life getting into and out of relationships, it’s on my mind quite a bit.

It’s incredibly rare for me to like someone less the more I get to know them. I heard a quote awhile back that said, “There isn’t a person you wouldn’t love if you could read their story.” For me, this absolutely proves to be true: unless someone does something heartless that hurts me or the people around me and shows no regrets, the more I get to know someone, the more I care for and about them. It is definitely one of my gifts, to love people exactly as they are.

As has been referenced in pop culture, everyone has a “dark side” that is usually only revealed with time and experience. We all have bruises and scars inside of us that tend to impact the way we react to the world around us. They manifest themselves in insecurities, overreactions, and sometimes cause us to shut down completely. Oddly enough, I love scars – the physical and the emotional kind. They represent life and experiences and stories and relationships and are proof of what people have overcome. I love the experience of getting to know people well because their scars help me understand the battles they have fought and are currently fighting.

It is the most terrifying experience I know to show someone my scars. I’m a very open, honest person and I don’t really hold back – it’s one of my greatest strengths and my biggest flaws. I often feel like Marilyn Monroe once expressed, “I am out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” It sometimes feels like the instant I show someone my scars, they bolt terrified in the other direction. This is definitely something I need to work on – I give too much too soon. I just don’t know where the line between vulnerability and good sense lies.

Whenever I go into an unproductive cycle of analyzing everything about me and how I interact and wishing I just didn’t care as much as I do, I always come back to the same conclusion. (Please forgive me if this seems overly analytical and digging too deep – another of my many flaws.) I’ve spent my entire life doing things so that I will be more like my Savior. My main goals have always been centered on creating habits that will bring me closer to Him, although I seem to mess up my path constantly. And He cared. He kept His scars. He was kind and cared about others and felt things deeply. So while I need to work on not being so easily offended and hurt, I’m grateful for the ability to feel things deeply. To love people fully and openly and eternally. To be vulnerable.

Stay Away From Easy

I’m a sucker for the 90’s action movies. Jurassic Park, Hook, Tremors: they had maximum adrenaline without blatant swearing and sex intermingled with everything. One of my favorites is Independence Day. At one point, one of the main characters, David, is having a breakdown over the events of the movie, and his father is trying to “talk him off a ledge” metaphorically. David has lost his marriage, seen thousands of people die and knows that the entire human race is about to be destroyed by aliens. In the face of imminent annihilation, David’s father responds, “[At least] you still have your health!”

At least. In discussion with a friend the other day, he told me that “at least” in his mind is the worst phrase in the English language. Essentially what it means is that we’re not willing to validate whatever is being said or presented as a problem. As someone who craves validation, and needs little else to be sustained, I have to agree with him.

I’m an avid runner; there’s nothing that makes me happier or brings me better stress relief. I typically run about 25 miles a week and participate in several races every year. About 9 months ago, I injured my knee on a normal run and haven’t been able to run for more than 5 minutes without excruciating pain ever since then. I’ve done everything that I’ve been told, stumped multiple doctors, been dropped by my physical therapist because he ran out of ideas, and essentially am no closer to finding a solution. Whenever someone asks me about my next race and I start explaining my situation, I inevitably get a response along the lines of, “At least you can still walk. At least you’re still healthy. At least you haven’t done something really horrible to it. At least you can find something else to love.” While I know these people mean well, and while intellectually I know that they are right, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel emotional and physical pain in association with this trial. It doesn’t mean that I’m being silly or petty or stupid. It’s real pain to me: it’s a real struggle. I have shed more tears over this injury than over most of my lost loves.

I don’t like the phrase “at least” for another reason too: I often use it to justify mediocrity in myself. When I don’t do as well as I should have – “At least I tried. Lots of people didn’t even try; I must be better than them.” When I do something I know I shouldn’t have – “At least I didn’t do something as horrible as that person. At least my bad choices don’t hurt a lot of people. I could have done something much worse; I must be better than them.”

I believe this line of thinking is destructive because we’re creating a measuring stick and shoving it next to people, including ourselves. A measuring stick for pain, strength, trials and other intangibles that were never meant to be measured or compared. Additionally, the very phrase means “at a minimum” meaning that I’m searching for the very worst case scenario and trying to be grateful that I’m not there. There is always something worse: it’s hardly something to aim for. I feel like it’s faking gratitude that we haven’t fallen as hard as somebody else, which is possibly the most uncharitable attitude one can have.

Real gratitude is something completely different. Real gratitude means being willing to try again and a little harder tomorrow. It means letting your challenges make you more tough and tender. It means being patient when those around you are struggling, because you remember what your struggles have done for you. It means, in the words of Sherrie Dew, that “…you can be frustrated with the delay without being worried about the outcome.” It means finding joy in the journey, lifting where you stand and genuinely believing with all your heart that things will work out eventually.

At least, that’s what I think.

The One Choosing to Love

My parents just returned from serving a mission for their church, and with their return came my entire family to visit. To put it in perspective, it's over 50 people. Days were spent with outings, eating, changing diapers, quick conversations in passing and staying up too late just enjoying each others' company. As I observed the bustle of each family my siblings have formed, I was struck by how different each marriage and family seems to function, and yet they all do in fact function. Different communication, discipline, schedules, habits and dietary restrictions, but overall a lot of love. That's what I've felt this week: the unconditional love of people who think the world of each other and don't withhold it.

My niece a.k.a. The Baby Whisperer

C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment." Frequently this is how the media portrays true love: in it's glory moments. The times when everyone's hair is perfect, no one has been crying, the crisis has passed, declarations have been made and true love's kiss experienced. The credits roll and we walk out feeling warm and fuzzy and sighing. Ok . . . maybe that's just me. But the fact of the matter is that this only represents a small portion of true love. In fact, the part of true love that fades away. Disease, death, work troubles, depression, bad hair days, and life interrupt moments where everyone looks and feels perfect. That's when true love, unconditional love kicks in. That's when you have to choose it.

Unconditional. I love that word for some reason. It's probably because I love absolutes. I love physics and math and statistics because they are predictable; they are stable. In reality, nothing is absolute. (Irony? Maybe.) Even the laws of physics change because our understanding of them changes. Statistical modeling can be incorrect. People and markets and nature are irrational. Unconditional love is an amazing concept, but it only comes through the power of choice. And not one choice, but a succession of choices. Choosing every single day to look past the insanity of life and pain and disappointment and humanity, and then choosing to actively love people no matter what. "The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love."

The greatest compliment I ever received was a friend who once told me, "I love that you're so human. And you're not afraid of it." While I disappoint myself on a regular basis, I'm not afraid of the fact that I'm not perfect. And I'm not afraid of the humanity of the people around me. I wish we would all allow each other the room to be human, to make mistakes, to learn and grow, and then forgive and move forward. "To enter heaven is to become more human than you ever succeeded in being on earth; to enter hell is to be banished from humanity." I will make mistakes every day. As long as they are different ones than I made yesterday, I'm getting somewhere. Please just allow me to be human.

Unconditional love doesn't mean that we don't want the people we love to become their best. On the contrary, "Love, in it's own nature, demands the perfecting of the beloved." Loving someone unconditionally means that we desire the very best for them and of them. "Love may, indeed, love the beloved when her beauty is lost; but not because it is lost. Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but love cannot cease to will their removal." In a similar fashion, our Heavenly Father loves us with all he has, he allows us to make mistakes so that we can grow and become the eternal, perfect beings he sees we have the potential to become.

Perhaps it's a romantic notion; perhaps it is unrealistic. But in all my searching and dating, ultimately this is what I am looking for: someone to choose me. Everyday. Even on my bad hair days.

My crazy, wonderful friends, who teach me every day
what it is to accept patiently the things that are not ideal about life.

Accept Who You Are; And Revel In It

There are so many things I love about having a big family. Constant noise, learning from others' mistakes, always having a best friend around and feeling loved even if you tripped flat on your face in front of your crush earlier. As we've gotten older, it's harder to stay in touch and I need to do a much better job. Talking with one of my amazing brothers last night and catching him up on my latest relationship disaster, he was giving me the perspective that my older siblings always bring to my life. We talked about how much I've been able to see and do and become in the past 10 years and how the man I would have married then would be very different than the man I would marry now. He tentatively suggested, "I don't think you were as confident back then as you are now."

It made me think. My confidence really has come in the past 4 years. I am amazingly aware and proud of the fact that I am unique. And I love it. I came home from my mission with confidence. I love the gospel completely. I had learned Spanish and loved and served with all my heart and soul and learned that I had the self discipline to live a life style that removed all my stress relievers and then stressed me out to the max.

The next step to my confidence was finding a diet and exercise plan that actually worked for me and for the first time in my life, losing weight. I came home from my mission, got a job, got back into school, and lost weight. Hours and hours in the basement gym in my parent's house and learning to say no - it has truly changed my life.

The top is on my mission. The bottom is when I finally felt like I
had earned the right to wear horizontal stripes.

The next step to my confidence surprised me when I figured it out. My confidence came from my heartbreaks. I was shocked by that revelation, because I've always just assumed heartbreak is what's created my walls and my baggage (which is true) but I never would have guessed that it's made me confident in me. There are four men who have broken my heart. Many others that might have come close if we had kept going, and many others whose heart I broke, but these four men changed me so much.

The first man was much like me. Our relationship was calm and easy. He taught me to love running, to explore and do things that made me nervous, and to be independently interested in whatever I want. To glory in the things I love - the things I "geek" love. It's a beautiful thing. When he walked away, I wanted to tell him that I had fallen in love with him, just so I could say it once, but I didn't. He left, but the running didn't. I realized I loved it even without him. That I was strong and persistent and capable.

The second was flashy. He was good looking, intelligent, smooth talking and we had amazing chemistry on every level. I was swept off my feet and fell madly in love with abandon, certain that he was the one. When he walked away, he told me that he had never loved me; that he had only said what he thought I wanted to hear to get what he wanted in the moment. While it crushed me, I walked away from him and never looked back. I learned that I don't have to give everything to someone who asks for it - that it's ok to play my cards as I see fit rather than flash them to the whole room.

The third was the complete opposite of everything I am. Totally yellow personality, doesn't like to talk about emotions, terrified of commitment and I loved that stuff about him. His fun loving personality offset my need for order and kept me calm. We couldn't communicate well to save our lives, and it slowly and painfully fell apart. When we were saying our goodbyes, he told me that I was too honest and open - that I needed to be more mysterious and not tell everyone what I'm feeling all the time because it's too much. As soon as he said that, I stood taller. I love that about myself - I've worked hard to be as open and honest as I am. I learned that it's ok to be unapologetic if someone thinks my personality is wrong.

And the last was perfect. We had the same background, same interests, same desires, same personalities, same family stories. It was so blissfully easy for us - for the first time, I wasn't stressed or worried about what he was thinking or when I would see him again because I knew he would call and it would be great. Out of the blue, he called and said that God had told him to not date me anymore. In spite of my begging him to give me the actual reason, he wouldn't. I'll never know what really happened there, but I learned that some parts of my life are going to be completely dependent on someone else's free agency. There is a beautiful confidence in knowing that I've done everything I can, that I have given every good thing about me, and then if someone still doesn't want me, that isn't actually my fault and it's not actually because I'm deficient.

So, so grateful for my heartbreaks. For the moments when I looked on my shattered world and literally didn't think I would ever feel better again. Because I did. And I learned. And I became a little more tough and tender.

Motherhood . . . An Act of Infinite Optimism

One of my sisters was determined to get in with the cool kids at school. She begged my mother, an extremely talented seamstress, to make a homemade version of the type of outfit the cool kids wore. On her first day wearing her new clothes, she strode up to where they were playing basketball and asked in a loud voice if she could play with them. They ignored her. She asked again with similar results. Finally, she shouted as loud as she could, "Can I play with you???" The boy with the basketball stopped dribbling, turned around and said, "No." That afternoon, she recounted the experience to my mother, fully expecting to be smothered with sympathy and statements akin to, "Oh, what evil children they are!" Instead, the response was, "Oh honey - now you know what that feels like. I hope you never treat anyone that way."

Girl's Camp - a testament of the love of both my parents.

Such was my mother. An educator by profession, an educator always. She took every opportunity to teach her children and those around her about how to love and treat each other better. She was always so focused on making other people happy. In my naive teenage mind, it never occurred to me that she wouldn't beat cancer. It would be an inconvenience, of course, but she was mom. Nothing could get her down.

Shelly Kay Smith Sawaya - she had the most gorgeous handwriting and way of signing her name. I used to love to watch her sign her name on checks at the grocery store, certain that my signature would automatically look as amazing as hers when I got older. (For the record, that didn't happen. Legibility is usually my one and only goal.) She had a laugh that would fill the whole room, but she was always more interested in listening to what other people had to say rather than speaking herself. The easiest way to find her was to start at the phone base and follow the cord around the house, because she was the best listener and everyone would call to talk to mom. We had a phone cord longer than any phone cord I've ever seen - she could get to almost any spot on the first level of the house.

After she passed away, my sister made each of us signs with "Things Mom Used to Say." "If it doesn't move, it doesn't matter." "What I like best is you." "You're a good man, Charlie Brown." "Will this matter in 50 years?" Mom was focused on choices. She believed that we had our own destiny in our hands, and that we chose that destiny every day in the way we lived and the way we treat people. "Living the gospel is an exercise of will." She talked about love and how we had to actively find ways to love and serve the people around us. "It takes effort on our part to properly love . . . our families."

I wish I knew her better as a person. My memories of her have the fog of innocent childhood and the curtain of teenage rebellion around them. I learn more about her through the memories of my siblings, my father, her friends, and the 60 page spiritual journey she wrote before she passed away. Her faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ amazes me. She knows. One cannot read her words and doubt that she knows the truth of what she is saying. Perhaps the "mom quote" that has shaped my life is the most is this: "If when I die I discover that Joseph Smith is a hoax and that none of this is true, it will not matter. I would still live my life exactly as I have. Living the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to have happiness in this life."

"We do not always know where our blessings may come from." One of the greatest blessings of my life is having the example of this righteous, beautiful, deeply strong woman to guide me through life's paths. Love you mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Love this lady. Forever.

30 Before 30 Bucket List

Life is marked in many ways. The passage of time, aging, the world changing around us. But, as Ayn Rand said, “Achieving life is not the same as avoiding death.” On the days when I feel as though I’ve accomplished nothing in my life, it helps me to think back on the goals I’ve set for myself that I was actually able to achieve. I love lists, I love checking things off, and I still use a paper planner that I can write things in (much to the consternation of my friends).

Hence, when I heard one of my friends had created a “25 Before 25” bucket list, I jumped on the idea. So, here is my 30 Before 30 Bucket List. I have a traditional bucket list, but that is a post for another day. More than anything, these things help me track progress, give me a sense of fulfillment, and push me outside my comfort zone. “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”

Before Shot

After Shot. Yes, it's supposed to be abstract.

My 30 Before 30 Bucket List (created and started July 2013)

1. Participate in 30 Races
2. Work in 30 Different Temples
3. Read 30 Books
4. Olympic Length Triathlon
5. Learn Archery
6. Learn 30 Songs on the Guitar
7. Random Act of Kindness for a Stranger 
8. Paint
9. Learn 30 Arabic Phrases
10. Take a Dance Class
11. Hike Mt. Timpanogos
12. Learn to Fire a Gun
13. Run a Marathon
14. Visit Disney World
15. Visit New York
16. Watch the top 10 Movies on AFI’s 100 Greatest Movies
17. Write a Newspaper Article and Get Published
18. Watch a Movie in a Drive In
19. Try 30 New Recipes
20. Visit one of the Madame Tussauds Museums
21. Record dad reading Dr. Suess
22. Record dad’s thoughts on life
23. Try 30 New Restaurants
24. Drive a Race Car
25. Ride a Segway
26. Visit Hawaii
27. Get CPR Certified
28. Learn to Tie a Tie
29. Order Room Service 
30. Get a New Job

Some of them are easier than others – I’m already on book 20 for goal number 3 – but I’ve enjoyed working my way through them and imagining ways to accomplish the others. Rita Mae Brown said, “We animals live life in all its glorious uncertainty.” Here’s to living life to its fullest.