My Life is Like My Shoes

Life is all about love, and love leads us to serve. Yesterday I was released as Relief Society president in my singles ward - I've been serving for over 3 years in this calling, excepting a four month break when I changed wards. I've been surprised how emotional I've been about it, but when I step back and look at everything I've been able to experience, it's not all that shocking.

One of the greatest things about these kinds of callings are the people you get to serve with. I've met some of my best friends through the presidency; they are the most amazing women I have ever met. Strong, beautiful, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, amazing. I'm a better person for associating with them, and I will miss the almost daily collaboration towards a good cause.

In life, it's so easy to get caught up in the "thick of thin things," and when life is clouding up our vision, the long term perspective seems to fade into the background with the pressing needs of today. This leads me to look toward the heaven and question if my Heavenly Father is really paying attention to what's going on. So often I want prayer to be like ordering a pizza, so I'll know how much it will cost me to get what I want, and how long I'll have to wait. But then how would we learn faith and patience and long suffering? Over the past 3 years, I have seen the Lord work in so many incredible ways. I know without a doubt that He is aware of every heartbreak, every triumph, every concern, every doubt and that He has a plan to help us become the best we can.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we promise to "mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." I'm so incredibly grateful for the chance I've had to get to know the sisters in my ward. We have laughed and cried together, shared advice and experiences, and watched each other's lives change again and again. What amazing women there are in this world. There is a power in women when they bond together in a common cause.

This calling has meant hundreds of hours of love, conversations, prayers, baked goods, text messages and service. I'll miss the certainty of knowing that I'm making a difference. I'll miss the comradery of working towards a common purpose. These are all selfish, of course, and this is merely the passageway to a new phase of my life. Here's to whatever lies ahead of me! The following is one of my favorite quotes by Spencer W. Kimball that I try to emulate in my life:

"My life is like my shoes; to be worn out in service."

To Thine Own Self

I had the chance to talk with one of my gorgeous, fabulous friends tonight about the guy she's been seeing. She was asking my advice about some things that had been going on and how she should handle it. Should she bring up her concerns and talk about it, assume that the relationship was over (based on a lot of strange behavior), or just continue on and pretend that none of it was bothering her? I explained that any and all dating advice from me should be taken with a grain of salt, because as my roommate put it, "My mom told me to stop listening to your dating advice because . . . well, you're still single!" But with that disclaimer, here are my thoughts.

I know the feeling that a relationship is on rocky ground. Everything he says seems to be unenthusiastic, he starts not being as eager to see you every day, conversations seem a little forced, etc. The weight of the possibility it could be coming to an end sits in your stomach and your heart like a dead weight and gnaws at you constantly. Conventional dating wisdom would say to continue on, act coy and pull away just as much as he does, and be as aloof as possible during this stage. Never let them see you upset, pretend like you don't care, keep your lips lined and closed. And you know, it's probably true. For most relationships, that's probably the best way to handle it.

I was dating a guy earlier this year. He was great, but we just couldn't make it click. It seemed like the more we tried to communicate, the less we understood each other. During the conversation where it ended, he told me, "You're too open and honest. You communicate too much; you need to be more mysterious." And you know, he's probably right. It was in reference to a time when I had over-reacted about something. I called him the next day to apologize and explain that had I thought about it, and I figured out where the irrational feelings were coming from. It was left over baggage from a previous relationship, but I worked through it and it wouldn't happen again! I probably should have just apologized and left it at that.

I am constantly being told to play the game, be coy, be aloof, don't text back within 2 hours, never go out if he calls you less that 2 days before hand, don't rearrange your time for anyone, etc. It's all good advice. I would probably have longer relationships if I played by the rules. The problem is, I don't want to.

As I told the man I was dating, I don't want to change that about me. I've actually worked hard to become the way I am. And I'm just crazy enough to believe that someday I'll meet someone who will love that about me. Someone who will be grateful that I have the need for him to understand the logic behind the insanity. I can be crazy and irrational, but I promise I can show you how I logically got there. There is nothing more painful to me than having someone I care about withhold the fact that I've done something to hurt them. So why would I ever want to do that in a relationship with someone I care about?

So my advice to my friend? Go by your gut. If your gut tells you to walk away, walk away. If your gut tells you keep the status quo, own it. If your gut, like mine, demands that you drive to his house and start the conversation with, "This is how I perceive you are feeling . . . how close am I to the truth?" then march up there with complete confidence. The right person will love YOU exactly as you are. Don't be someone else - if you try to be someone else, then they will fall in love with the person you are pretending to be. God worked so hard to make us all individual - it's a gloriously beautiful thing. Enjoy it, own it. Love yourself.

As Marilyn Monroe said, "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

When I'm No Longer Young and Beautiful

Through the joys of online dating, I found myself sitting on a couch in a small house in Spanish Fork late on Saturday night. I was at least 3 inches taller than everyone in the room (including my date) and the only person not wearing sweats. Perhaps it was for these reasons that when I walked in, everyone just stared at me for several stunned seconds rather than greeting me.

After making homemade pizza (haven't done that on a date since college) and watching several quarters of football, everyone decided they wanted to watch a movie. Everyone but me, but since I was the only one in the room not related to each other, I felt my opinion probably didn't hold much weight. They plugged in The Great Gatsby, which was actually just as fascinating as I remember the book being, but I was struck by a song on the soundtrack. It's by Lana Del Rey, and she asks the question, "Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?"

I'm fascinated by the different ways people choose to love each other. Stephenie Meyer said in a book that love can be given for free, earned through time and hard work, or stubbornly and heart-breakingly unattainable. I suppose I've experienced my share of each of those kinds. We are a culture obsessed with love. When I'm going through a breakup, I have to stop listening to music completely, because essentially all music has to do with the existence or nonexistence of love. We write about it, talk about it, watch movies about it, read books about it, and search for it constantly. And yet, it means wildly different things to different people. Love can mean acceptance, a challenge, kindness, lust, charity, risk, romance and a myriad of other things depending on the person and the context.

I've always had shining examples of love in my life. My family loves me unconditionally. They love me when I'm flying high. They love me when I've fallen to my lowest. They love me enough to be interested in my life. They love me enough to correct me. More than anything, they love be enough to truly believe that I am capable of anything and everything.

Perhaps that is why my view on love is pragmatic and emotional all at the same time. Emotional in the sense that I want to find the kind of romantic love that people write books about - the kind where it feels like a part of you resides in the other person, and vice versa. And pragmatic because I believe that kind of love comes through time and work. "To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect." No one is perfect - I'll never find a perfect man, and even if I did, he certainly wouldn't want to date me. But I can't wait to find the man that will be willing to choose to work with me, every day.

It's not about being young and beautiful - those things fade quickly and life takes their place. "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or bends with the remover to remove.... It is an ever fixed mark which looks on tempests and is never shaken." I have so many people I love deeply. We are not perfect in each others' eyes. We have seen each other at our best; we have seen each other at our worst. We have laughed and cried and laughed while we we cried. We talk about the trivial and the profound. We buoy each other up, comfort and mourn together, and rejoice in each others' success. It's not always pretty . . . but it's a beautiful ride.