Sunday, February 22, 2015

Glue That Holds Life and Faith Together



Life may never be perfect, but I think last weekend came pretty close. I went to Hawaii with a few of my best friends and had a fabulous time. I’ve been a geology geek since high school and I love being in the mountains more than just about anything else, so I spent most of the time that we were driving around with my face pressed to the window, annoying everyone around me with, “Wow! Look at that! Look out this window! Can we pull over?” It was absolutely beautiful. We went to Pearl Harbor, which made me want to join the Navy in spite of the fact that my claustrophobia would make being below deck . . . not fun for me or everyone around me. Hiked to a waterfall, shopping, visiting the temple, and eating at least 5 meals a day added to the dream vacation vibe.

It was a much needed break from life. I have a fabulous life, of course, and I’m very grateful for it but I’ve been feeling a little worn down lately. I’ve mentioned it before, but heartbreak isn’t my best performance. I was very much in love with someone last year who decided he didn’t want to be in my life anymore. One of the things he said drove him away was that I made the relationship too easy on him.

Perhaps the piece of relationship advice I get most often is to not be so open. Play the game, be coy, don’t care so much, don’t show your cards . . . similar lines of reason. I understand why they say it – we all have some desire to chase and it can be overwhelming to not have to work for it. I know all of that, and I don’t doubt it. But ultimately, I really don’t believe that my serious relationships ended because I was too open with my affection. Maybe I’m wrong, but even if I am, I don’t think I would be happy long term with someone who didn’t like that about me.

Regardless, I still wonder. Should I change? Are they right? Should I follow what people, who have obviously had more success than me in relationships, are telling me to do? I worry so much about making people happy – I want the people around me to be glad that I’m there so I do try really hard to not be inconvenient in any regard. I have a constant battle going on in my head, trying to determine if I really am staying true to myself and who I am, or if I’m just stubbornly holding myself back from progressing and getting what I actually want. It creates some lovely internal back and forth.

I feel incredibly blessed with the people I have in my life. They are kind, generous, patient and tend to know what to say and when to say it. Getting back into the groove of life after my Hawaii trip has been rough, and one night after very little sleep, I had a conversation with someone that reminded me of the insecurities I’ve acquired over my relationships. Particularly the words, “You’ve made things too easy on me” were running through my mind over and over again. Out of the blue, without any prompting or suggestions on my part, I received the following texts from one of my friends. “Can I just say how much I appreciate your effort in all things? You work so hard to be easy to be around and fun to be around and thoughtful and kind and uplifting. It doesn’t go unnoticed.”


Jon Katz wrote, “I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” I don’t know that I could make it through my life without the family and friends who can just tell when I need some encouragement. When I need someone to tell me that I’m doing ok. That in spite of my huge mistakes, the trend is going up.

Chances are if you’re reading this, you’re one of those people. So . . . thanks. More than you know.