Toughness is in the Soul

I’ve always been a big girl. One of my earliest memories of elementary school was sitting on a swing and the boy next to me calling me fat. It would be easy to blame it on something like bad habits and a sedentary lifestyle, but my mother was one of the healthiest cooks I’ve ever met. We had home-cooked meals, homemade lunches, desserts only appeared on special occasions and any request for a snack was met with fruit or vegetables. My parents had us work hard and play hard: we maintained a garden as a family, spent our summer vacations hiking through the gorgeous Utah mountains and were encouraged to participate in as many sports as we could fit into our schedules. I did ballet, gymnastics, basketball, track, cross country . . . always healthy, just not skinny.

My "before" shot on my mission, at my peak weight.

Things got drastically worse on my mission. In a culture where vegetables rarely appear, carbs are the norm, and everything has a healthy dose of oil and mayonnaise, my diet went out the window. Add in the stress of being a missionary, and my weight got out of control. I came home determined to change. I had never been able to lose weight easily, but I had some extremely good help along the way, and I worked hard to lose 60 pounds.

Not your typical "after" shot, but you get the idea. And he's cute.

I wanted to start my blog this way because I want everyone to understand how much it means to me to be healthy. I know how hard it is to lose weight. I know what it’s like to feel unhealthy. I know what that struggle can feel like, and I know the amazing feeling of accomplishment when you finally hit that illusive weight goal.

But something in our culture is wrong. Because “fat-shaming” is a word that we all recognize. Because Jennifer Lawrence stands out in Hollywood as one of the only actresses proud of the way she looks right now. Because we can pay to have our children’s school photos airbrushed. Because women are pushing other women to look and act a certain way, just to try to achieve something that’s shoved in our faces every time we check out at the grocery store.

I went into the gym several months ago for a free training session. I like to try new things, and it seemed a waste to not at least give it a shot. As I sat down with the trainer, he had me fill out a sheet with my height and weight, and then asked me what my “fitness goals” were. I explained that I had just run a half marathon and was training for a triathlon, so I was pretty happy as I was but that I wanted to just increase speed and endurance and do better at cross training. He then proceeded to try to shame me into purchasing training sessions, explaining that I was obese according to his wall chart. I stared at him, dumbfounded, and explained that I was spending 1-2 hours every day training, that I felt fantastic and was happy with how I looked. He insisted that until I fit within the dimensions of his chart, I was obese, unhealthy and could never improve my way of life. I powered through the next 45 minute training session solely on anger. I wanted to scream at him, “My roommate called me “one of those crazy running people” two days ago! I’ve worked so hard and come so far! I’m happy and I feel good; why isn’t that enough???”

My most recent triathlon, where I blew my PR out of the water. Pun intended.

Don’t get me wrong – I could do a lot better. I love food. I love unhealthy food. A guy I was dating once said, “I think you appreciate food more than most people do.” While editing my online dating profile, one of my sisters told me I might want to remove a few of the references to food, since it kind of looked like I’m obsessed. One of my favorite parts of racing is the carb loading the night before, and the fact that the day after a race, I feel justified in eating whatever I want. I could eat a few less pizzas each year. I could avoid desserts more frequently. I could cook more and eat out less. 

But here’s the thing: that’s MY decision. That’s MY choice. That is between me and my body and my soul. And we’ll handle things on our own.

Sometimes, the goal of a picture is to make yourself look as ugly as possible.

Let's also mention that my value in life is not what's on the scale. I work hard, I play hard. I've made amazing friends, I've traveled all over the world, I've started and ended many relationships, I've made good choices and stupid choices, I've learned, I've grown, I've changed. Can we focus on the other stuff in our lives besides how much weight we put on over our cruise? "To be heroic is to be courageous enough to die for something; to be inspirational is to be crazy enough to live a little."

Best friends, on a trip to South Africa.

 There was a lot of buzz going around about a young mother who posted a shot of her gorgeous body with her three small children with the question, “What’s Your Excuse?” Again, please don’t misunderstand. If that’s what makes her feel good – fantastic! Good for her! I’m amazed by her will power and dedication and I’m glad that makes her happy! But I take issue with her trying to guilt others. Why, why, why do we do this to each other? Yes, obesity is a problem. Yes, we need to find ways to fix it as a society. But heralding physical perfection as the only option is not the solution.

I don’t know the solution honestly. I’ve found mine: I just listen to my body and my heart and act accordingly. Sometimes my heart really, really wants a burger and fries and I listen. Sometimes my body craves a 12 mile run, and I’m happy to oblige. Sometimes they both want a huge dark green veggie salad with light Italian dressing and we all win.

Can’t we all just take a step back and stop judging? Let’s just worry about our own happiness, and trying to make the world around us a little bit better. Taryn Brumfitt says on her blog, “Health is not dictated by your looks. Health is physical, emotion and spiritual and so much more that is not visible and not always obvious to others.” (I LOVE her stuff – see her blog here: http://bodyimagemovement.com.au/)

Kumbaya!!

Amy's Online Dating Tips

Disclaimer: This list is essentially useless for everyone besides the small group of men interested in getting to know me, because it has nothing to do with data collection or scientific analysis or anything universally useful. Just my thoughts on the online dating universe.

1. You’re great just the way you are. Use a recent photo, for both our sakes.

2. There are maybe 2-3 people who should know how much money you make. And until we’re engaged, I’m not one of them. 

3. If you’re going to try to start something up with someone, ignore them for 6 months, then try to start something up again like the last time never happened, at least use a different pick up line.

4. The only acceptable shirt-less pictures are those taken while swimming – not selfies in the bathroom mirror.

5. While I understand the desire to keep your options open, if you put that you are “LDS” and a “Social Drinker,” I feel like you’re trying to cast a net that’s a bit too wide.

6. If we’ve emailed back and forth more than 4 times, it’s safe to assume that we both find each other reasonably attractive and can carry on a virtual conversation. Just ask to meet me. I can only be so charming via email – the full extent of my awesome-ness is only revealed in person.

7. Biggest pet peeve – not using correct punctuation, grammar and capitalization in your profile or correspondence. Using the “shift” key doesn’t take THAT much more effort.

8. Remember that although I can see every time you look at my profile, looking at my profile on a daily basis but never actually contacting me doesn’t count as reaching out to me. 

9. Don’t ever include the word “destiny” in your first interaction with someone.

10. Scott Adams said, “Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” So keep it up – one day it will pay off for both of us.

So Good Can Prove Its Purity

Around this time last year, there was a tragic shooting at an elementary school where 26 people were killed; 20 of them young children. It shook each of us to the core – such a tragic reminder that evil exists, even during a time of year when we all try to reach outside of ourselves with a little more kindness. I watched my friends and my family cling a little tighter to each other, and especially their children, as we cried for the families who lost their loved ones. After the tragedies of 9/11, someone said, “What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is our ability to mourn people we’ve never met.”

The mother of one of the young girls who was killed is featured on a youtube video, discussing why, in her heart, evil did not win. We all have the capacity to choose what we will do and who we will be. Evil is allowed its place here in our world because we must choose what to do with the time that is given to us. It is the only way we can have true light in the world. In her words, "That's the only way good can be in us - is if we freely choose it over all else."

Last Friday, another school shooting hit the news. A young girl is currently fighting for her life, and my heart and prayers go out to her and her family and friends, as well as the young shooter who eventually took his own life and the pain his family and friends are experiencing. One of the students who was there wrote about his experience in the shooting. They moved the students to a church across the street, and standing under a mural of the Savior, he remembers, “I found myself frustrated at it. ‘Well, Jesus, where the hell are you now?’ was my initial thought. But then I realized He, or whatever deity or mystical force of faith you believe in, was indeed there. He was there in the form of our teachers. Of our students. Of the churches, businesses and parents who immediately came to our aid.”

I love the Christmas season. The smells, the decorations, the lights, the colors, the clothing, the singing. And the food; oh, how I love the food! It’s 4 p.m. and I’ve eaten nothing but cheeseball, veggie dip, fruit dip and cinnamon-covered almonds today. And I love the gifts. I am a master shop-a-holic, so gift giving is my favorite thing to do. There’s nothing like the anticipation of watching someone’s face when they open the perfect gift. I use every lunch break to run to another store and see if I can find that next item on my list that will make everyone so glad that Aunt Amy had their family’s name this year.

But I also love how it truly turns our hearts out to the rest of the world. I’ve heard many accounts of my friends reaching the front of the line only to discover that the person in front of them paid for their food. So they pass it on. Companies make donations. Canned food drives are held. Gifts are purchased for strangers. Time is donated, hearts and hands are touched and lifted. President David O. McKay said: “True happiness comes only by making others happy. … The [spirit of] Christmas … makes our hearts glow in brotherly love and friendship and prompts us to kind deeds of service. It is the spirit of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” We cannot afford to have the true spirit of Christmas be something foreign and abstract  in our hearts and our actions. I remember I once asked my mother if Santa was real. She responded that Santa is real every time someone does something nice for someone else. Christ is here in every good action we take towards each other. That is the true spirit of Christmas.

So let it be Christmas everywhere, let heavenly music fill the air. Let every heart sing; let every bell ring the story of hope and joy and peace. . . . Let anger and fear and hate disappear; let there be love that lasts through the year. Let it be Christmas everywhere.

Holding Out For A Hero

First snow of the season. I really love the snow - it makes everything beautiful and quiet and clean. I just wish it wouldn't fall on my driveway.

Lucky for me, I have amazing roommates who did most of the heavy-lifting when it comes to shoveling, so all I did when I got home was remove the few inches of powder that had accumulated. It was very peaceful as I listened to my iPod and watched the snow fall. As I listened and worked, a song from "Country Strong" came on with the lyrics, "You can be hurt by love, or healed by the same. Timing is everything."

I'm a pretty strong person. I do a decent job of taking the bumps in my life into stride and keep a smile on my face while I'm at it. I believe we are meant to be happy in this life, and I also believe it's my responsibility to choose happiness. That being said, there is one thing I don't handle very well: heartbreak. I'm not a rational, hold-it-in, don't-show-emotion, give-me-a-week-and-I'm-over-it kind of breakup woman. It's bad - like Adele or Taylor Swift bad. I do, however, learn from each heartbreak and become a little better each time. During one of my heartbreaks, I was talking with a good friend and she said something that I found profoundly true. "People say that time heals all wounds. That's not true. Love heals all wounds."

A little over a year ago, I was going through one of the deepest heart breaks I have ever felt. It literally felt like my world had shattered and there was no way I could be ok again. But the most amazing thing happened: my sister had a baby. Here was this perfect, beautiful, amazing manifestation of love. And each time I would hold him close to me, it felt as though my heart was completely healed. The pain could not stay in the presence of so much love. Just as light chases away the dark, love chases away the hurt. I have always felt that he was a huge tender mercy in my life.

I spent Thanksgiving with 3 of my 4 sisters in Arizona. We laughed and talked and cooked and just enjoyed the few hours of time we had together. My sisters are such gorgeous, amazing women and they teach me how to be a better person. And they are raising amazing kids, who also teach me to be a better person. One time when my brother told his son that I was coming to visit, he asked, "Is she the aunt that kisses?" Yeah, that's me. I LOVE being around them, and talking to them, and joking with them, and occasionally wearing matching clothing with them.

Love heals all wounds. Nerd alert on this quote, but I think it's great. "Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important." As far as the romantic side of my life goes, I'm holding out for a hero. But my hero won't ride up on a white horse in shiny armor and sweep me off my feet to his rich kingdom with his gallantry. More than likely, he'll listen to me rant and rave about how awesome pivot tables are. He'll probably laugh when I get really excited about the cool rock formation we found on a hike. Inevitably, he will hold me when I'm having a bad day and start crying even when I don't really understand why I'm doing it. He'll forgive, he'll let me be human, he'll let me serve him, he'll be excited to be a father, and he'll be willing to laugh with me through the insanity of life. Can't wait.

"Where’s the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds . . ."

Read more at http://www.lolriot.com/2012/11/30/101-funny-love-quotes/#AKu0TcRwXWt

My Life is Like My Shoes

Life is all about love, and love leads us to serve. Yesterday I was released as Relief Society president in my singles ward - I've been serving for over 3 years in this calling, excepting a four month break when I changed wards. I've been surprised how emotional I've been about it, but when I step back and look at everything I've been able to experience, it's not all that shocking.

One of the greatest things about these kinds of callings are the people you get to serve with. I've met some of my best friends through the presidency; they are the most amazing women I have ever met. Strong, beautiful, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, amazing. I'm a better person for associating with them, and I will miss the almost daily collaboration towards a good cause.

In life, it's so easy to get caught up in the "thick of thin things," and when life is clouding up our vision, the long term perspective seems to fade into the background with the pressing needs of today. This leads me to look toward the heaven and question if my Heavenly Father is really paying attention to what's going on. So often I want prayer to be like ordering a pizza, so I'll know how much it will cost me to get what I want, and how long I'll have to wait. But then how would we learn faith and patience and long suffering? Over the past 3 years, I have seen the Lord work in so many incredible ways. I know without a doubt that He is aware of every heartbreak, every triumph, every concern, every doubt and that He has a plan to help us become the best we can.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we promise to "mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." I'm so incredibly grateful for the chance I've had to get to know the sisters in my ward. We have laughed and cried together, shared advice and experiences, and watched each other's lives change again and again. What amazing women there are in this world. There is a power in women when they bond together in a common cause.

This calling has meant hundreds of hours of love, conversations, prayers, baked goods, text messages and service. I'll miss the certainty of knowing that I'm making a difference. I'll miss the comradery of working towards a common purpose. These are all selfish, of course, and this is merely the passageway to a new phase of my life. Here's to whatever lies ahead of me! The following is one of my favorite quotes by Spencer W. Kimball that I try to emulate in my life:

"My life is like my shoes; to be worn out in service."