To Thine Own Self

I had the chance to talk with one of my gorgeous, fabulous friends tonight about the guy she's been seeing. She was asking my advice about some things that had been going on and how she should handle it. Should she bring up her concerns and talk about it, assume that the relationship was over (based on a lot of strange behavior), or just continue on and pretend that none of it was bothering her? I explained that any and all dating advice from me should be taken with a grain of salt, because as my roommate put it, "My mom told me to stop listening to your dating advice because . . . well, you're still single!" But with that disclaimer, here are my thoughts.

I know the feeling that a relationship is on rocky ground. Everything he says seems to be unenthusiastic, he starts not being as eager to see you every day, conversations seem a little forced, etc. The weight of the possibility it could be coming to an end sits in your stomach and your heart like a dead weight and gnaws at you constantly. Conventional dating wisdom would say to continue on, act coy and pull away just as much as he does, and be as aloof as possible during this stage. Never let them see you upset, pretend like you don't care, keep your lips lined and closed. And you know, it's probably true. For most relationships, that's probably the best way to handle it.

I was dating a guy earlier this year. He was great, but we just couldn't make it click. It seemed like the more we tried to communicate, the less we understood each other. During the conversation where it ended, he told me, "You're too open and honest. You communicate too much; you need to be more mysterious." And you know, he's probably right. It was in reference to a time when I had over-reacted about something. I called him the next day to apologize and explain that had I thought about it, and I figured out where the irrational feelings were coming from. It was left over baggage from a previous relationship, but I worked through it and it wouldn't happen again! I probably should have just apologized and left it at that.

I am constantly being told to play the game, be coy, be aloof, don't text back within 2 hours, never go out if he calls you less that 2 days before hand, don't rearrange your time for anyone, etc. It's all good advice. I would probably have longer relationships if I played by the rules. The problem is, I don't want to.

As I told the man I was dating, I don't want to change that about me. I've actually worked hard to become the way I am. And I'm just crazy enough to believe that someday I'll meet someone who will love that about me. Someone who will be grateful that I have the need for him to understand the logic behind the insanity. I can be crazy and irrational, but I promise I can show you how I logically got there. There is nothing more painful to me than having someone I care about withhold the fact that I've done something to hurt them. So why would I ever want to do that in a relationship with someone I care about?

So my advice to my friend? Go by your gut. If your gut tells you to walk away, walk away. If your gut tells you keep the status quo, own it. If your gut, like mine, demands that you drive to his house and start the conversation with, "This is how I perceive you are feeling . . . how close am I to the truth?" then march up there with complete confidence. The right person will love YOU exactly as you are. Don't be someone else - if you try to be someone else, then they will fall in love with the person you are pretending to be. God worked so hard to make us all individual - it's a gloriously beautiful thing. Enjoy it, own it. Love yourself.

As Marilyn Monroe said, "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."