The Capacity to Face Trouble with Courage

The past few weeks have been . . . intense. Three of the best friends I've ever had are married. I'm so, so excited for them and the lives that await them with their husbands (they really found some great guys to marry), but a part of me is sad that our relationships will change. These are women with whom I've been through thick and thin, seen the ups and downs of relationships, joked that we would be single together forever and traveled together around the world.

My car has decided to get needy the past few weeks. Blew out a tire, had to replace all four of them, and fix the alignment. On the way back from the mechanic, a semi-truck kicked up a huge rock and shattered my windshield. I got a fix-it-ticket for my headlight being out, paid to have it replaced only to find out from another officer that they hadn't actually replaced it, but had just charged me for it.

Around this time I started asking my friends if they remembered me kicking a puppy or something recently, because I had some seriously bad karma running around the universe.

I love love love my job - my co workers are fabulous and I love what I do. But it's retail, and retail during the holidays means stress and more stress, so things have been a little crazy around the office.

Also during this same period, I started having relationship issues. (I know, shocking. I NEVER have relationship drama, so it's totally out of the blue.) Inevitably, this led to feelings of self doubt, hurt and despondence. It also led to a lack of sleep.

I didn't sleep for a couple nights in a row, and my energy started dropping. I refilled my Ambien prescription and had several solid nights of sleep. My energy dropped some more. I started working out consistently for the first time since my surgery. My head started hurting constantly. I ate healthier. My eye began twitching from the exhaustion and close friends were asking if I was sleeping and if I'd been crying recently. I increased my caffeine intake. My throat started hurting.

Long story short, I have mono. It's certainly not the end of the world, but I will confess to feeling overwhelmed this weekend. I've been trying so hard to be good; to do good. To be happy even though I feel terrible. To work hard and focus and reach outside of myself. To keep my eye focused on the important things in life and continue to be kind even though I'd really rather just speak my mind.

I asked my brother in law for a blessing of health. In the blessing, he told me to remember that trials are for my good - that trials make me better. They aren't something to tear me down or something to simply be endured, but that I will come out of them better. Not worse.

Haruki Murakami said, "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." Such a simple concept, yet I have to be constantly reminded of this. Trials make us who we are! They give us the strength to dig deep, to become more.

A man who endured great trials was once quoted to say, "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."