Face The Why And Then Let Go

My dad once said that if he were to make a list of the ten most stubborn people he’s ever met, his five daughters would take the top five spots. While I think we can all guess where that stubborn streak comes from, it’s not something I’d ever deny about myself because it would just sound ridiculous to even try. That stubbornness has served me well when it comes to defending my faith, meeting goals, and getting stuff done. But, it also becomes one of my greatest stumbling blocks when it comes to submitting my will to the Lord’s and being teachable.

I struggle so much with the battle between fighting for the things I want and not giving up versus the concept of being willing to accept a different road. I love the underdog stories like Unbroken and Lord of the Rings where someone refuses to break and against all odds overcomes their challenges. “Never give up; never surrender!” So when things that I’m fighting for don’t work out, I always assume that it’s because I haven’t fought long enough, I haven’t found the right angle to approach it, or I just have something left that I need to learn.

So then where does submitting my will to the will of the Lord fit in? How do I know when he wants me to . . . let go?

I have an amazing friend who had a terrible accident several years ago that has left her a parapelegic. Before her accident, she was constantly in motion – running, hiking, climbing. Initially she put all her energy and hope into walking and running again; into returning to the life she had before. She very eloquently described the difference she has found between giving up and letting go in this blog post. (http://brittanyannefisher.blogspot.com/2015/03/letting-go.html) In her words, she is, “…letting go of this idea of a perfect body or my body before my accident, letting go of running, because it's just too painful and too heavy to carry. But I want to make it clear that I am not giving up, I've just decided to place my energies elsewhere.”

So often when I encounter bumps in the road, I ask why. Why me? Why did this happen? Why wasn’t I more clearly warned to stay away? Would things have been different if I had acted differently? That last one haunts me more than anything. If I hadn’t gone on that run in October 2013, would I still be able to run? If I hadn’t gone to that baseball game where I met the last man I loved, would I not have had my heart broken? If I hadn’t had turned down the opportunity at Google, would I be further along in my career?

Someone said, “. . . face the why and then let go.” The fact of the matter is, I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand the “why.” It could be some profound lesson I’m meant to learn. It could be those experiences were necessary to achieve my potential. It could be that this is mortality, and mortality isn’t perfect. But going around in circles about it will never solve anything – it will only serve to hurt me more.

I’ve decided to let go of the idea of running. I’ve exhausted all my good options, and it was bringing so much pain and frustration into my life to have doctor after doctor run out of ideas. It’s been a huge blow for me (and a part of me will always mourn it), but I have found a strange sort of strength in being able to say, “I’m willing to walk away from the thing that I love.” My very soul rebels at the thought of giving up, but Daniell Koepke said, “"There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.”

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” Steve Maraboli