Beauty Is A Light In The Heart

So, I’m trying to lose weight. It’s not a ton of weight, but it’s a solid 20 pounds that I’m trying to work off. I was at my ideal, happy, don’t-think-about-it, I-feel-great-about-myself weight two years when I hurt my knee and couldn’t run anymore. Very slowly, I started putting weight back on for the first time in 4 years. It was about 10 pounds until last October when I had my knee surgery and got mono within a two month span. Add in the holidays, cold weather, and a general depression about a few aspects of life, and I put on another 10 pounds.

Trying to lose weight has been my life-long goal. I still remember when I was in kindergarten, sitting on the swingset and having a boy call me fat. I went and told the teacher in charge of recess, who told him not to do it again, and told me not to be a tattletale and to learn to fight my own battles. I’m fairly certain that was where my “fat-girl” complex started – when I first started feeling like I was different and wrong. I started noticing that my clothes didn’t fit the way the other girls’ did. I remember a picture that was taken of me on a playground. I was wearing one of my favorite outfits – a white t-shirt with lace around the collar and some colored shorts. When I saw the picture, I was horrified to see how my tummy poked out, and how my ponytail accentuated my chubby cheeks. I’m pretty sure I never wore that shirt again . . . I was 7.

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to be overweight if you’ve never experienced it. It impacts everything. It colors every thought and every action. It’s like everything has an asterix on it. There are so many destructive thoughts I’ve had to fight my entire life. People make assumptions, and you start to believe them (I wish I could have recorded people’s reactions when I told them I love to run – utter and complete shock). Better be smart so you can find success outside of your looks. Better be witty and funny so people will like you even though you’re not pretty. Better learn to do make-up and hair well because you can’t fall back on natural good looks. Better rock those swimming shorts because no one wants to see your thighs. Better let people see you work out so they don’t think you’re not trying. Better not eat any treats at the party: people will think you’re fat because you pig out.

Some of the happiest moments in my life, where I felt good.
But then I looked at the pictures and shuddered.

Then there’s the impact it’s had on my relationships. Growing up, I always assumed guys would want me if I was thin. People said when I was older, everyone would want to date me. Didn’t that just mean they hoped I would eventually lose my baby fat? It didn’t help that I barely dated at all until I came home from my mission and spent a year losing 60 pounds: I went from 3 dates a year to 3 dates a week. It just reinforced my psychosis – I was only desirable as long as I was thin. I had two separate boyfriends tell me that their deepest fear was that their wife would let herself go and get fat. It was like a threat hanging over my head – “You want to make this work? You better watch yourself.”

I have fought this battle so hard over the past 20 years, both from trying to find a healthy, balanced lifestyle, and being willing to love myself no matter what I look like. I sometimes feel like Katniss Everdeen in Mockingjay, “You are smart. You are kind. You help people. You’re good at your job. You love your family and friends. You make people smile. Those are the things that define you – not the size of your pants.”

My brain has a switch that turns on when I reach a certain threshold of weight. It’s a terrible switch. It’s a switch that brings back years of bad thoughts about myself. Thoughts that tell me I shouldn’t, I can’t, I won’t. To this day, I really hate putting my hair up because I feel like it shows off my face. I have to tell myself that so-and-so didn’t walk away because I put on some weight – there were much deeper issues going on.

Hayley Atwell is the gorgeous woman who plays Agent Carter in the Marvel Universe – she’s truly a stunning lady. She said, “My real self, the self I have always been from a child, is a loner and nerd, slightly overweight, with a very heavy fringe. That is who I was as a kid. I don't think I will ever be anything other than that.” I relate so much to that quote – no matter how much weight I lose, I will never really be different from that chubby kid sitting outside my teacher’s door with a book, waiting anxiously to be let back into the sanctuary of the classroom. But, that’s not really a bad thing.

It’s made me a better person. A kinder person. Slower to judge, faster to overlook faults. I know what it’s like to be left out, so I try to never leave other out. I understand the desperation/obsession to lose weight, so I feel deeply for those struggling with eating disorders. I comprehend that I see only a snapshot of peoples’ lives, so I usually give others the benefit of the doubt. And more than anything, I know that beauty is not defined by size, skin color, BMI, hair texture or anything else that can be measured. Kahlil Gibran said, “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”

I have to constantly remind me to be kind and love myself. Because I have infinite worth and infinite possibilities for good. Love handles and all.