Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Accept Who You Are; And Revel In It

There are so many things I love about having a big family. Constant noise, learning from others' mistakes, always having a best friend around and feeling loved even if you tripped flat on your face in front of your crush earlier. As we've gotten older, it's harder to stay in touch and I need to do a much better job. Talking with one of my amazing brothers last night and catching him up on my latest relationship disaster, he was giving me the perspective that my older siblings always bring to my life. We talked about how much I've been able to see and do and become in the past 10 years and how the man I would have married then would be very different than the man I would marry now. He tentatively suggested, "I don't think you were as confident back then as you are now."

It made me think. My confidence really has come in the past 4 years. I am amazingly aware and proud of the fact that I am unique. And I love it. I came home from my mission with confidence. I love the gospel completely. I had learned Spanish and loved and served with all my heart and soul and learned that I had the self discipline to live a life style that removed all my stress relievers and then stressed me out to the max.

The next step to my confidence was finding a diet and exercise plan that actually worked for me and for the first time in my life, losing weight. I came home from my mission, got a job, got back into school, and lost weight. Hours and hours in the basement gym in my parent's house and learning to say no - it has truly changed my life.
The top is on my mission. The bottom is when I finally felt like I
had earned the right to wear horizontal stripes.

The next step to my confidence surprised me when I figured it out. My confidence came from my heartbreaks. I was shocked by that revelation, because I've always just assumed heartbreak is what's created my walls and my baggage (which is true) but I never would have guessed that it's made me confident in me. There are four men who have broken my heart. Many others that might have come close if we had kept going, and many others whose heart I broke, but these four men changed me so much.

The first man was much like me. Our relationship was calm and easy. He taught me to love running, to explore and do things that made me nervous, and to be independently interested in whatever I want. To glory in the things I love - the things I "geek" love. It's a beautiful thing. When he walked away, I wanted to tell him that I had fallen in love with him, just so I could say it once, but I didn't. He left, but the running didn't. I realized I loved it even without him. That I was strong and persistent and capable.

The second was flashy. He was good looking, intelligent, smooth talking and we had amazing chemistry on every level. I was swept off my feet and fell madly in love with abandon, certain that he was the one. When he walked away, he told me that he had never loved me; that he had only said what he thought I wanted to hear to get what he wanted in the moment. While it crushed me, I walked away from him and never looked back. I learned that I don't have to give everything to someone who asks for it - that it's ok to play my cards as I see fit rather than flash them to the whole room.

The third was the complete opposite of everything I am. Totally yellow personality, doesn't like to talk about emotions, terrified of commitment and I loved that stuff about him. His fun loving personality offset my need for order and kept me calm. We couldn't communicate well to save our lives, and it slowly and painfully fell apart. When we were saying our goodbyes, he told me that I was too honest and open - that I needed to be more mysterious and not tell everyone what I'm feeling all the time because it's too much. As soon as he said that, I stood taller. I love that about myself - I've worked hard to be as open and honest as I am. I learned that it's ok to be unapologetic if someone thinks my personality is wrong.

And the last was perfect. We had the same background, same interests, same desires, same personalities, same family stories. It was so blissfully easy for us - for the first time, I wasn't stressed or worried about what he was thinking or when I would see him again because I knew he would call and it would be great. Out of the blue, he called and said that God had told him to not date me anymore. In spite of my begging him to give me the actual reason, he wouldn't. I'll never know what really happened there, but I learned that some parts of my life are going to be completely dependent on someone else's free agency. There is a beautiful confidence in knowing that I've done everything I can, that I have given every good thing about me, and then if someone still doesn't want me, that isn't actually my fault and it's not actually because I'm deficient.

So, so grateful for my heartbreaks. For the moments when I looked on my shattered world and literally didn't think I would ever feel better again. Because I did. And I learned. And I became a little more tough and tender.