Beauty Is A Light In The Heart

So, I’m trying to lose weight. It’s not a ton of weight, but it’s a solid 20 pounds that I’m trying to work off. I was at my ideal, happy, don’t-think-about-it, I-feel-great-about-myself weight two years when I hurt my knee and couldn’t run anymore. Very slowly, I started putting weight back on for the first time in 4 years. It was about 10 pounds until last October when I had my knee surgery and got mono within a two month span. Add in the holidays, cold weather, and a general depression about a few aspects of life, and I put on another 10 pounds.

Trying to lose weight has been my life-long goal. I still remember when I was in kindergarten, sitting on the swingset and having a boy call me fat. I went and told the teacher in charge of recess, who told him not to do it again, and told me not to be a tattletale and to learn to fight my own battles. I’m fairly certain that was where my “fat-girl” complex started – when I first started feeling like I was different and wrong. I started noticing that my clothes didn’t fit the way the other girls’ did. I remember a picture that was taken of me on a playground. I was wearing one of my favorite outfits – a white t-shirt with lace around the collar and some colored shorts. When I saw the picture, I was horrified to see how my tummy poked out, and how my ponytail accentuated my chubby cheeks. I’m pretty sure I never wore that shirt again . . . I was 7.

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to be overweight if you’ve never experienced it. It impacts everything. It colors every thought and every action. It’s like everything has an asterix on it. There are so many destructive thoughts I’ve had to fight my entire life. People make assumptions, and you start to believe them (I wish I could have recorded people’s reactions when I told them I love to run – utter and complete shock). Better be smart so you can find success outside of your looks. Better be witty and funny so people will like you even though you’re not pretty. Better learn to do make-up and hair well because you can’t fall back on natural good looks. Better rock those swimming shorts because no one wants to see your thighs. Better let people see you work out so they don’t think you’re not trying. Better not eat any treats at the party: people will think you’re fat because you pig out.

Some of the happiest moments in my life, where I felt good.
But then I looked at the pictures and shuddered.

Then there’s the impact it’s had on my relationships. Growing up, I always assumed guys would want me if I was thin. People said when I was older, everyone would want to date me. Didn’t that just mean they hoped I would eventually lose my baby fat? It didn’t help that I barely dated at all until I came home from my mission and spent a year losing 60 pounds: I went from 3 dates a year to 3 dates a week. It just reinforced my psychosis – I was only desirable as long as I was thin. I had two separate boyfriends tell me that their deepest fear was that their wife would let herself go and get fat. It was like a threat hanging over my head – “You want to make this work? You better watch yourself.”

I have fought this battle so hard over the past 20 years, both from trying to find a healthy, balanced lifestyle, and being willing to love myself no matter what I look like. I sometimes feel like Katniss Everdeen in Mockingjay, “You are smart. You are kind. You help people. You’re good at your job. You love your family and friends. You make people smile. Those are the things that define you – not the size of your pants.”

My brain has a switch that turns on when I reach a certain threshold of weight. It’s a terrible switch. It’s a switch that brings back years of bad thoughts about myself. Thoughts that tell me I shouldn’t, I can’t, I won’t. To this day, I really hate putting my hair up because I feel like it shows off my face. I have to tell myself that so-and-so didn’t walk away because I put on some weight – there were much deeper issues going on.

Hayley Atwell is the gorgeous woman who plays Agent Carter in the Marvel Universe – she’s truly a stunning lady. She said, “My real self, the self I have always been from a child, is a loner and nerd, slightly overweight, with a very heavy fringe. That is who I was as a kid. I don't think I will ever be anything other than that.” I relate so much to that quote – no matter how much weight I lose, I will never really be different from that chubby kid sitting outside my teacher’s door with a book, waiting anxiously to be let back into the sanctuary of the classroom. But, that’s not really a bad thing.

It’s made me a better person. A kinder person. Slower to judge, faster to overlook faults. I know what it’s like to be left out, so I try to never leave other out. I understand the desperation/obsession to lose weight, so I feel deeply for those struggling with eating disorders. I comprehend that I see only a snapshot of peoples’ lives, so I usually give others the benefit of the doubt. And more than anything, I know that beauty is not defined by size, skin color, BMI, hair texture or anything else that can be measured. Kahlil Gibran said, “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”

I have to constantly remind me to be kind and love myself. Because I have infinite worth and infinite possibilities for good. Love handles and all.

Face The Why And Then Let Go

My dad once said that if he were to make a list of the ten most stubborn people he’s ever met, his five daughters would take the top five spots. While I think we can all guess where that stubborn streak comes from, it’s not something I’d ever deny about myself because it would just sound ridiculous to even try. That stubbornness has served me well when it comes to defending my faith, meeting goals, and getting stuff done. But, it also becomes one of my greatest stumbling blocks when it comes to submitting my will to the Lord’s and being teachable.

I struggle so much with the battle between fighting for the things I want and not giving up versus the concept of being willing to accept a different road. I love the underdog stories like Unbroken and Lord of the Rings where someone refuses to break and against all odds overcomes their challenges. “Never give up; never surrender!” So when things that I’m fighting for don’t work out, I always assume that it’s because I haven’t fought long enough, I haven’t found the right angle to approach it, or I just have something left that I need to learn.

So then where does submitting my will to the will of the Lord fit in? How do I know when he wants me to . . . let go?

I have an amazing friend who had a terrible accident several years ago that has left her a parapelegic. Before her accident, she was constantly in motion – running, hiking, climbing. Initially she put all her energy and hope into walking and running again; into returning to the life she had before. She very eloquently described the difference she has found between giving up and letting go in this blog post. (http://brittanyannefisher.blogspot.com/2015/03/letting-go.html) In her words, she is, “…letting go of this idea of a perfect body or my body before my accident, letting go of running, because it's just too painful and too heavy to carry. But I want to make it clear that I am not giving up, I've just decided to place my energies elsewhere.”

So often when I encounter bumps in the road, I ask why. Why me? Why did this happen? Why wasn’t I more clearly warned to stay away? Would things have been different if I had acted differently? That last one haunts me more than anything. If I hadn’t gone on that run in October 2013, would I still be able to run? If I hadn’t gone to that baseball game where I met the last man I loved, would I not have had my heart broken? If I hadn’t had turned down the opportunity at Google, would I be further along in my career?

Someone said, “. . . face the why and then let go.” The fact of the matter is, I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand the “why.” It could be some profound lesson I’m meant to learn. It could be those experiences were necessary to achieve my potential. It could be that this is mortality, and mortality isn’t perfect. But going around in circles about it will never solve anything – it will only serve to hurt me more.

I’ve decided to let go of the idea of running. I’ve exhausted all my good options, and it was bringing so much pain and frustration into my life to have doctor after doctor run out of ideas. It’s been a huge blow for me (and a part of me will always mourn it), but I have found a strange sort of strength in being able to say, “I’m willing to walk away from the thing that I love.” My very soul rebels at the thought of giving up, but Daniell Koepke said, “"There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.”

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” Steve Maraboli

Glue That Holds Life and Faith Together

Life may never be perfect, but I think last weekend came pretty close. I went to Hawaii with a few of my best friends and had a fabulous time. I’ve been a geology geek since high school and I love being in the mountains more than just about anything else, so I spent most of the time that we were driving around with my face pressed to the window, annoying everyone around me with, “Wow! Look at that! Look out this window! Can we pull over?” It was absolutely beautiful. We went to Pearl Harbor, which made me want to join the Navy in spite of the fact that my claustrophobia would make being below deck . . . not fun for me or everyone around me. Hiked to a waterfall, shopping, visiting the temple, and eating at least 5 meals a day added to the dream vacation vibe.

It was a much needed break from life. I have a fabulous life, of course, and I’m very grateful for it but I’ve been feeling a little worn down lately. I’ve mentioned it before, but heartbreak isn’t my best performance. I was very much in love with someone last year who decided he didn’t want to be in my life anymore. One of the things he said drove him away was that I made the relationship too easy on him.

Perhaps the piece of relationship advice I get most often is to not be so open. Play the game, be coy, don’t care so much, don’t show your cards . . . similar lines of reason. I understand why they say it – we all have some desire to chase and it can be overwhelming to not have to work for it. I know all of that, and I don’t doubt it. But ultimately, I really don’t believe that my serious relationships ended because I was too open with my affection. Maybe I’m wrong, but even if I am, I don’t think I would be happy long term with someone who didn’t like that about me.

Regardless, I still wonder. Should I change? Are they right? Should I follow what people, who have obviously had more success than me in relationships, are telling me to do? I worry so much about making people happy – I want the people around me to be glad that I’m there so I do try really hard to not be inconvenient in any regard. I have a constant battle going on in my head, trying to determine if I really am staying true to myself and who I am, or if I’m just stubbornly holding myself back from progressing and getting what I actually want. It creates some lovely internal back and forth.

I feel incredibly blessed with the people I have in my life. They are kind, generous, patient and tend to know what to say and when to say it. Getting back into the groove of life after my Hawaii trip has been rough, and one night after very little sleep, I had a conversation with someone that reminded me of the insecurities I’ve acquired over my relationships. Particularly the words, “You’ve made things too easy on me” were running through my mind over and over again. Out of the blue, without any prompting or suggestions on my part, I received the following texts from one of my friends. “Can I just say how much I appreciate your effort in all things? You work so hard to be easy to be around and fun to be around and thoughtful and kind and uplifting. It doesn’t go unnoticed.”

Jon Katz wrote, “I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” I don’t know that I could make it through my life without the family and friends who can just tell when I need some encouragement. When I need someone to tell me that I’m doing ok. That in spite of my huge mistakes, the trend is going up.

Chances are if you’re reading this, you’re one of those people. So . . . thanks. More than you know.

The Capacity to Freely Believe

I received a text from a friend tonight. She had dinner with a few close friends who have left the church, apparently because the church doesn’t have all the answers, there are things in its past that are not explained and people within the church make poor decisions. She was texting me because she wanted to express to someone that she knows there aren’t answers to everything and the church is not perfect, but she believes it, it makes her happy, she feels the spirit through living the gospel and it’s what she wants in her life.

I have been thinking a lot about faith recently. As often happens, the past few months haven’t been exactly as I had hoped or planned. Answers that I’ve been seeking haven’t come, relief that I’ve been praying for hasn’t arrived, and I’ve felt overwhelmed with my own insecurities and disappointment. And, as often happens in my life, this has led to introspection on what things in my life I need to improve. Better prayer, more sincere fasting, stronger temple attendance, seeking greater opportunities to serve, etc.

I’ll admit that from the outside, my faith probably doesn’t seem very rational. I’m typically a rational person – emotional, but rational. Even if I am hurt or offended, you can always talk me back into sense. When something in my life is bringing me unnecessary pain, I start seeking a way to change it. So when I am feeling frustrated with the apparent silence of the heavens, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to keep prodding and trying and believing. Albert Einstein said that insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And for someone who loves literature and knowledge, clarity and reason so much, there are certainly a lot of things within the scope of faith that I don’t understand. So wouldn’t this behavior of mine appear to be slightly insane? Actually . . . no.

I feel my faith is rational based on very simple logic. It makes me happy.

Believing I have a loving Heavenly Father looking out for me makes me happy. Believing that He knows me perfectly, loves me, and has a plan for me makes me happy. Communicating with him and having him communicate with me brings me peace and joy and clarity. Obedience to commandments designed to make me a better person makes me happy. Believing that I will see my mother again, that I can be with my amazing family forever, gives me a reason to keep going. Fasting . . . well, I’m not always happy while I’m doing it, but I love the cleansed feeling I receive.

There is a lot I don’t understand and a lot of questions I don’t have the answers to, but it doesn’t frighten me. Quite the opposite, actually. Terryl Givens, in “A Letter to a Doubter” wrote, “I am grateful for a propensity to doubt, because it gives me the capacity to freely believe… The call to faith is a summons to engage the heart, to attune it to resonate in sympathy with principles and values and ideals that we devoutly hope are true and which we have reasonable but not certain grounds for believing to be true. There must be grounds for doubt as well as belief, in order to render the choice more truly a choice, and therefore the more deliberate, and laden with personal vulnerability and investment.”

One of my most life-changing professors wrote his thoughts on faith as it relates to experience vs. understanding. (He’s much more eloquent than I – to read his amazing blog, go here. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/homewaters/2015/01/experience-and-understanding.html) To quote him, “I would rather experience life than understand it. And I would rather experience God than understand Him. Understanding matters and it comes but it doesn’t matter most and it doesn’t come first. Miguel de Unamuno in his inimitable masterpiece, The Tragic Sense of Life, says, ‘the primary reality is not that I think, but that I live.’ Or: ‘the end purpose of life is to live, not to understand.’”

The true marks of faith are not gaining perfect understanding, delivering perfect sermons, or memorizing long passages of scriptures. True faith is shown in consistent effort, obedience, and utilizing the atonement in our lives. C.S. Lewis wrote, “[The Devil’s] is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do [God’s] will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.” We will fail and fall short again and again, but we just have to keep trying and asking for forgiveness when we come up short. Elder Jörg Klebingat said, “Establish an attitude of ongoing, happy, joyful repentance by making it your lifestyle of choice… and don’t expect the world to cheer you on.”

But I will be.

2014 As Experienced By Me

In the 12 months leading up to Christmas, my lovely life brought to me:

January: New year, new beginnings,
new hope, book club.

February: Rehearsals for a show, questions
and answers of life and faith.

March: Night of Broadway, visiting the padres in San Francisco.

April: Familiar co-workers at a new job, working out with a trainer (aka learning to love exercise OTHER THAN running), volunteering at the prison, X-rays and MRIs trying to figure out why my knee won’t function properly.

May: New baby niece, annual Disney trip but this time to Florida for Disneyworld, butterbeer and cronuts.

June: World Cup fever (vamos arriba!), 10 year High School Reunion making me feel old, loved watching a good friend go through the temple, expanding my artistic horizons at the Sun Tunnels.

July: A month of family, parents coming home from mission, all of my siblings in one place at one time, driving kiddos from Utah to Ohio, babysitting a different set of kiddos in Kansas, found the beginnings of love.

August: New knee doctor with a new solution, Bear Lake to water ski, moved to a new apartment after almost 4 years, dream trip to New York with my besties.

September: A month of tears, woke up from knee surgery crying tears of joy, lost a dear family friend, tender moments watching my best friend marry the man she loves.

October: More friends marrying their 

true loves, drove a Ferrari just because.

November: Long late hours at work, launched 

a new website, another broken heart.

December: Another month of family, Ohio to visit my brothers and celebrate a life-long love of Tolkien with “The Hobbit”, another book club, celebrating Christmas with the people I love.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” So grateful for all the amazing people in my life, for the love and acceptance they so freely give me, for the hours of laughing and talking and crying and for the love of my Savior every day.

Gratitude: Rekindled by a Spark

Today would have been my mother’s 71^st birthday. It’s been almost 13 years and I’m amazed at how I seem to miss her more as time goes on. This last week was particularly hard, due mostly to my long hours at work, short hours of sleep, high levels of stress and some difficult questions weighing on my mind. She was so smart and kind and full of wisdom; sometimes I feel certain that if I could talk to her, she would have the perfect answer to fix everything.

I was lucky enough to date a great guy who sings in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir this summer – it didn’t work out, but I got in the habit of going to Music and the Spoken Word every Sunday. When we broke up, I didn’t go because it just seemed best to stay away. However, on Sunday morning I felt really strongly that I should get up and go. I asked a couple of friends to come along, but no one was free so I went by myself. It was their Thanksgiving special - the music was beautiful, but I was distracted and caught up in memories and my own thoughts.

And then, they started singing their last song – “Come Thou Fount.” Instantly, tears filled my eyes. That was the song I sang at my mother’s funeral. That song represents everything my mother stood for, and the plea that I so frequently bring to my Heavenly Father in prayer. It was like a huge hug from my mom, and a reminder that He is so aware of me.

(As a side note, the guy sitting in front of me happened to turn around and see me crying – he was very much interested in engaging me in conversation about my distress, so I was glad they were recording and we couldn’t talk! It was probably pretty entertaining to watch.)

I don’t pretend to believe that “Come Thou Font” was chosen for that broadcast JUST because I was having a rough week and needed a little TLC. I know that those programs are planned out in advance and a lot of planning and coordination goes into them. However, I believe that God knows what we need and gives us guidance to put us in the right place at the right time to get what we need. He is constantly trying to answer our prayers – we just have to be willing to trust Him and do as He asks.

Life is so imperfect. There are ups and downs, highs and lows. Only finding happiness in the high moments is no way to live. We must choose to feel gratitude, not just for ‘things’ but feeling gratitude in all circumstances. “This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer.” I need to work on just feeling gratitude, not necessarily towards certain things, but in general. However, I do want to express gratitude for a few things.

He taught me everything good I know.

My amazing family, who give me a straight path to follow to happiness. My nieces and nephews, who bring me so much joy and teach me to be better. My dad, the voice in my head telling me that I can accomplish anything I want to. My friends, who tolerate my insanity with patience and humor. Music, for reminding me to feel something significant every day. My job, and of course the co-workers that come along with it for making getting up in the morning easier. My country. My freedom. Mountains. Spreadsheets. Diet Coke.

And of course, for the gospel of Jesus Christ, for shaping every moment of my life, giving meaning to my trials and struggles, and bringing me the hope and strength to find joy in the journey of life. Happy Holidays, dear ones.

For the beauty of the earth.

The Capacity to Face Trouble with Courage

The past few weeks have been . . . intense. Three of the best friends I've ever had are married. I'm so, so excited for them and the lives that await them with their husbands (they really found some great guys to marry), but a part of me is sad that our relationships will change. These are women with whom I've been through thick and thin, seen the ups and downs of relationships, joked that we would be single together forever and traveled together around the world.

My car has decided to get needy the past few weeks. Blew out a tire, had to replace all four of them, and fix the alignment. On the way back from the mechanic, a semi-truck kicked up a huge rock and shattered my windshield. I got a fix-it-ticket for my headlight being out, paid to have it replaced only to find out from another officer that they hadn't actually replaced it, but had just charged me for it.

Around this time I started asking my friends if they remembered me kicking a puppy or something recently, because I had some seriously bad karma running around the universe.

I love love love my job - my co workers are fabulous and I love what I do. But it's retail, and retail during the holidays means stress and more stress, so things have been a little crazy around the office.

Also during this same period, I started having relationship issues. (I know, shocking. I NEVER have relationship drama, so it's totally out of the blue.) Inevitably, this led to feelings of self doubt, hurt and despondence. It also led to a lack of sleep.

I didn't sleep for a couple nights in a row, and my energy started dropping. I refilled my Ambien prescription and had several solid nights of sleep. My energy dropped some more. I started working out consistently for the first time since my surgery. My head started hurting constantly. I ate healthier. My eye began twitching from the exhaustion and close friends were asking if I was sleeping and if I'd been crying recently. I increased my caffeine intake. My throat started hurting.

Long story short, I have mono. It's certainly not the end of the world, but I will confess to feeling overwhelmed this weekend. I've been trying so hard to be good; to do good. To be happy even though I feel terrible. To work hard and focus and reach outside of myself. To keep my eye focused on the important things in life and continue to be kind even though I'd really rather just speak my mind.

I asked my brother in law for a blessing of health. In the blessing, he told me to remember that trials are for my good - that trials make me better. They aren't something to tear me down or something to simply be endured, but that I will come out of them better. Not worse.

Haruki Murakami said, "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." Such a simple concept, yet I have to be constantly reminded of this. Trials make us who we are! They give us the strength to dig deep, to become more.

A man who endured great trials was once quoted to say, "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."