Spoons

“Spoons” is an analogy that has been adopted by the vast community of people dealing with chronic illness. The story goes that a woman was trying to explain to her friend what it was like to be constantly sick. She grabbed all of the spoons on their table and the tables around her, handed them to her friend, and told her that the spoon represented her capacity to do something. Each decision she made throughout the day had the potential to take away a spoon. Cooking, cleaning, working, etc…each thing took a “spoon” away from her, and when she ran out of spoons, she was simply out of spoons. Some days she started with more, some days she started with less. And each day she had to decide how to use the spoons she had.

There are some things I like about this analogy and some things I don’t. A close friend went to a support group when she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and decided that her life was not going to be dictated by her disease. My dad used to tell us that we felt sick because we were acting sick, and that if we acted like we felt better, we would. I believe in the power of thinking positively and how, even when we don’t feel good, things still need to get done and life must go on no matter what. I also know that my own personal struggle with pain is nothing compared to the struggles other experience. In spite of all of that, I wanted to share some of my thoughts.

Since a few months before grad school started, I have been experiencing pain in my TMJ muscle (aka jaw). This is generally accepted to be the result of stress, grinding your teeth, bad posture, etc. A large number of people struggle with it and mine comes and goes. Sometimes it’s just a minor irritation that only shows its face when I’ve over exerted myself; sometimes it’s omnipresent and impacting every second of my day. This is one of those times.

TMJ pain starts in my shoulder blades and ends with my headaches. It makes every muscle in the upper half of my body tight and sore. The muscles that connect my shoulders with my head literally radiate pain when I’m having a flair up. With TMJ, it hurts to smile. And laugh. And sing. And talk. And eat. And look interested in what someone else is saying. And to sit. Or stand. Or lay down. You can find at least a hundred home remedies for TMJ problems through online blogs, books and professional help. I have about 20 exercises I do daily, a huge foam roller I use for my back, a mouth guard for sleeping, a back brace I wear about an hour a day for my posture, I ask Spencer to rub my neck as hard as he can (sometimes multiple times a night), and I get acupuncture. I don’t chew gum, bite into apples, eat bagels or gummy candy, or rest my chin on anything. I don’t remember how my tongue used to rest in my mouth, because I’m constantly readjusting it to make sure I’m not pushing it against my teeth. Trying to alleviate the pain, or at least not aggravate it, takes over my life a few times a year and is a constant presence in my day to day.

I recently tried a new kind of acupuncture – instead of just sticking in the needles, they stick in the needles and then send electric shocks through the needles into your muscles. It was painful, and I wasn’t sure that my tensing muscles at the pulsing electricity weren’t doing more damage than the needles were doing good. Before we got started, the doctor said, “I’m pretty sure I know, but I’m required to ask; what’s your goal for this treatment?” Somewhat jokingly, I said, “That my jaw will stop driving me crazy by clicking constantly in my ear every time I move it.” And then, more seriously, “And that I won’t sit on the edge of my bed and cry at the thought of leaving the house and having to use my face to communicate with people.” I get so tired of not being able to enjoy things, of being in constant pain, of praying for conversations to end so I can relax my face, of not singing along to the radio…anyway, I could go on.

I wish I had more spoons. But I guess, don’t we all? We all have our struggles and our things that take up more of our capacity than we’d like. Whether it’s physical pain, emotional pain, mental incapacitation, demands on our time (including positive, happy demands), taxing jobs or callings, relationship struggles, loneliness, pregnancy, and on and on. The demands of mortality often take more spoons than we have. I look back on some of the incredibly dark, painful times and I wonder how on earth I survived it without completely losing my mind, but I did. Somehow, strength beyond my own kicked in and I made it. I think I don’t often realize how much extra help I’m getting – I feel as though I have reached the end of my rope and it’s only by sheer will power that I carry on. But how much of that is me actually being carried and I don’t even know how much of the weight is being shouldered for me? I once told my dad that I didn’t like wearing my mouth guard because I didn’t notice a difference. He said that I couldn’t know that, because I wouldn’t know how much worse it would be if I wasn’t wearing it. I’m so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who gives me more strength than I have the ability to recognize. Who listens to my repeated pleas for relief, knowing that he has already begun to grant it to me, but who doesn’t reprimand me for continuing to ask. And who shows me the way to find joy in the journey, even when resolution is far in the future. 

      He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
      He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
      To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
      To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

      When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
      When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
      When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
      Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

      Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
      Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
      Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
      The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

      His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
      His power no boundary known unto men;
      For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
      He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.