My niece recently learned to drive working towards her
driver’s license. After going for a ride with her at the wheel, my dad
described the experience as, “She drives the way Amy lives her life: in sudden
starts and stops.”
Truly, it’s just how I am – it’s how I choose to be. I want
to get there quickly. Progress is movement, everything is an action verb, words
are empty without actions behind them. I’m an extremely rational person
completely driven by emotion, and once I’ve reached a conclusion or decided on
a destination, my goal is to get there as quickly and efficiently as possible.
(Surprisingly, no one who knows me has ever asked why I find supply chain – a
discipline focused on doing things better, faster, cheaper and more efficiently
– intriguing.)
This gets me into trouble with situations that can’t be
solved with a checklist, or by working harder at them. I become frustrated with
myself when I can’t solve it all immediately or the first time I attempt it.
Surely any failure on my part is a result of not working at it hard enough and
long enough.
There is a well-known experiment with children and marshmallows
where the children are told that if they can refrain from eating a marshmallow for 15 minutes,
they will get another one. Only about 30% were able to wait, but the interesting part of the experiment came from the
fact that the children who were able to wait actually had more success in life.
They struggled less to interact and socialize with others. “What started as a
simple experiment with children and marshmallows became a landmark study
suggesting that the ability to wait—to be patient—was a key character trait
that might predict later success in life.
Grad school is a really lovely opportunity for me to feel
completely inadequate and overwhelmed on a regular basis. A heavy work load,
combined with some health issues that I haven’t been able to resolve, led
to an emotional breakdown this weekend where I called a good friend and fell apart. I expressed that I didn’t feel like I had the capacity to deal with my current
load because I don’t know how to solve or answer my health problems, I have too
much to do, and I can’t quickly solve my problems. He responded with something
that has changed my perspective completely: the Lord isn’t preoccupied with efficiency. In fact, the lack of
efficiency is part of the plan. Maybe the most important part of the plan. The Lord could accomplish His work quickly through the most capable people the earth has to offer; if He wanted to, He could just show himself and everyone would believe. Instead, he sends out 18 year old kids to preach His word. He has men with 7 children and full time jobs watch over the congregation. He has young adults with no education teach Sunday School classes.
The most dangerous ship in a hurricane is an empty one. The
cargo of experience is what weighs it down and keeps it steady. It doesn’t mean
that the storms won’t come, but rather that we will be prepared and capable to
face them, to face storms much greater than what we thought we could. The
process of arriving will not be easy or pleasant. The story of the stripling warriors
teaches us that in following the Lord, we may suffer injuries and fatigue and
uncertainty, but we will not perish. “…[W]ithout patience, we cannot please God;
we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines
understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.”
Perhaps the very things that are causing me pain and feelings of inadequacy are the things that are anchoring me in my life, preparing me for the future, and transforming me into something of greater substance. And the trials in my life are not things I am meant to solve immediately. My friend pointed out that God is probably not overly concerned with what decisions I make during this time, as there is no right answer to the mountains I am facing. But He cares what process I use to approach them. Just maybe, He sees more in me than I see in myself.
