Beauty Is A Light In The Heart

So, I’m trying to lose weight. It’s not a ton of weight, but it’s a solid 20 pounds that I’m trying to work off. I was at my ideal, happy, don’t-think-about-it, I-feel-great-about-myself weight two years when I hurt my knee and couldn’t run anymore. Very slowly, I started putting weight back on for the first time in 4 years. It was about 10 pounds until last October when I had my knee surgery and got mono within a two month span. Add in the holidays, cold weather, and a general depression about a few aspects of life, and I put on another 10 pounds.

Trying to lose weight has been my life-long goal. I still remember when I was in kindergarten, sitting on the swingset and having a boy call me fat. I went and told the teacher in charge of recess, who told him not to do it again, and told me not to be a tattletale and to learn to fight my own battles. I’m fairly certain that was where my “fat-girl” complex started – when I first started feeling like I was different and wrong. I started noticing that my clothes didn’t fit the way the other girls’ did. I remember a picture that was taken of me on a playground. I was wearing one of my favorite outfits – a white t-shirt with lace around the collar and some colored shorts. When I saw the picture, I was horrified to see how my tummy poked out, and how my ponytail accentuated my chubby cheeks. I’m pretty sure I never wore that shirt again . . . I was 7.

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to be overweight if you’ve never experienced it. It impacts everything. It colors every thought and every action. It’s like everything has an asterix on it. There are so many destructive thoughts I’ve had to fight my entire life. People make assumptions, and you start to believe them (I wish I could have recorded people’s reactions when I told them I love to run – utter and complete shock). Better be smart so you can find success outside of your looks. Better be witty and funny so people will like you even though you’re not pretty. Better learn to do make-up and hair well because you can’t fall back on natural good looks. Better rock those swimming shorts because no one wants to see your thighs. Better let people see you work out so they don’t think you’re not trying. Better not eat any treats at the party: people will think you’re fat because you pig out.

Some of the happiest moments in my life, where I felt good.
But then I looked at the pictures and shuddered.

Then there’s the impact it’s had on my relationships. Growing up, I always assumed guys would want me if I was thin. People said when I was older, everyone would want to date me. Didn’t that just mean they hoped I would eventually lose my baby fat? It didn’t help that I barely dated at all until I came home from my mission and spent a year losing 60 pounds: I went from 3 dates a year to 3 dates a week. It just reinforced my psychosis – I was only desirable as long as I was thin. I had two separate boyfriends tell me that their deepest fear was that their wife would let herself go and get fat. It was like a threat hanging over my head – “You want to make this work? You better watch yourself.”

I have fought this battle so hard over the past 20 years, both from trying to find a healthy, balanced lifestyle, and being willing to love myself no matter what I look like. I sometimes feel like Katniss Everdeen in Mockingjay, “You are smart. You are kind. You help people. You’re good at your job. You love your family and friends. You make people smile. Those are the things that define you – not the size of your pants.”

My brain has a switch that turns on when I reach a certain threshold of weight. It’s a terrible switch. It’s a switch that brings back years of bad thoughts about myself. Thoughts that tell me I shouldn’t, I can’t, I won’t. To this day, I really hate putting my hair up because I feel like it shows off my face. I have to tell myself that so-and-so didn’t walk away because I put on some weight – there were much deeper issues going on.

Hayley Atwell is the gorgeous woman who plays Agent Carter in the Marvel Universe – she’s truly a stunning lady. She said, “My real self, the self I have always been from a child, is a loner and nerd, slightly overweight, with a very heavy fringe. That is who I was as a kid. I don't think I will ever be anything other than that.” I relate so much to that quote – no matter how much weight I lose, I will never really be different from that chubby kid sitting outside my teacher’s door with a book, waiting anxiously to be let back into the sanctuary of the classroom. But, that’s not really a bad thing.

It’s made me a better person. A kinder person. Slower to judge, faster to overlook faults. I know what it’s like to be left out, so I try to never leave other out. I understand the desperation/obsession to lose weight, so I feel deeply for those struggling with eating disorders. I comprehend that I see only a snapshot of peoples’ lives, so I usually give others the benefit of the doubt. And more than anything, I know that beauty is not defined by size, skin color, BMI, hair texture or anything else that can be measured. Kahlil Gibran said, “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”

I have to constantly remind me to be kind and love myself. Because I have infinite worth and infinite possibilities for good. Love handles and all.

Face The Why And Then Let Go

My dad once said that if he were to make a list of the ten most stubborn people he’s ever met, his five daughters would take the top five spots. While I think we can all guess where that stubborn streak comes from, it’s not something I’d ever deny about myself because it would just sound ridiculous to even try. That stubbornness has served me well when it comes to defending my faith, meeting goals, and getting stuff done. But, it also becomes one of my greatest stumbling blocks when it comes to submitting my will to the Lord’s and being teachable.

I struggle so much with the battle between fighting for the things I want and not giving up versus the concept of being willing to accept a different road. I love the underdog stories like Unbroken and Lord of the Rings where someone refuses to break and against all odds overcomes their challenges. “Never give up; never surrender!” So when things that I’m fighting for don’t work out, I always assume that it’s because I haven’t fought long enough, I haven’t found the right angle to approach it, or I just have something left that I need to learn.

So then where does submitting my will to the will of the Lord fit in? How do I know when he wants me to . . . let go?

I have an amazing friend who had a terrible accident several years ago that has left her a parapelegic. Before her accident, she was constantly in motion – running, hiking, climbing. Initially she put all her energy and hope into walking and running again; into returning to the life she had before. She very eloquently described the difference she has found between giving up and letting go in this blog post. (http://brittanyannefisher.blogspot.com/2015/03/letting-go.html) In her words, she is, “…letting go of this idea of a perfect body or my body before my accident, letting go of running, because it's just too painful and too heavy to carry. But I want to make it clear that I am not giving up, I've just decided to place my energies elsewhere.”

So often when I encounter bumps in the road, I ask why. Why me? Why did this happen? Why wasn’t I more clearly warned to stay away? Would things have been different if I had acted differently? That last one haunts me more than anything. If I hadn’t gone on that run in October 2013, would I still be able to run? If I hadn’t gone to that baseball game where I met the last man I loved, would I not have had my heart broken? If I hadn’t had turned down the opportunity at Google, would I be further along in my career?

Someone said, “. . . face the why and then let go.” The fact of the matter is, I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand the “why.” It could be some profound lesson I’m meant to learn. It could be those experiences were necessary to achieve my potential. It could be that this is mortality, and mortality isn’t perfect. But going around in circles about it will never solve anything – it will only serve to hurt me more.

I’ve decided to let go of the idea of running. I’ve exhausted all my good options, and it was bringing so much pain and frustration into my life to have doctor after doctor run out of ideas. It’s been a huge blow for me (and a part of me will always mourn it), but I have found a strange sort of strength in being able to say, “I’m willing to walk away from the thing that I love.” My very soul rebels at the thought of giving up, but Daniell Koepke said, “"There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care.”

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” Steve Maraboli