Life may never be perfect, but I think last weekend came
pretty close. I went to Hawaii with a few of my best friends and had a fabulous
time. I’ve been a geology geek since high school and I love being in the mountains
more than just about anything else, so I spent most of the time that we were
driving around with my face pressed to the window, annoying everyone around me
with, “Wow! Look at that! Look out this window! Can we pull over?” It was
absolutely beautiful. We went to Pearl Harbor, which made me want to join the
Navy in spite of the fact that my claustrophobia would make being below deck .
. . not fun for me or everyone around me. Hiked to a waterfall, shopping,
visiting the temple, and eating at least 5 meals a day added to the dream
vacation vibe.
It was a much needed break from life. I have a fabulous
life, of course, and I’m very grateful for it but I’ve been feeling a little
worn down lately. I’ve mentioned it before, but heartbreak isn’t my best performance.
I was very much in love with someone last year who decided he didn’t want to be
in my life anymore. One of the things he said drove him away was that I made
the relationship too easy on him.
Perhaps the piece of relationship advice I get most often is
to not be so open. Play the game, be coy, don’t care so much, don’t show your
cards . . . similar lines of reason. I understand why they say it – we all have
some desire to chase and it can be overwhelming to not have to work for it. I know
all of that, and I don’t doubt it. But ultimately, I really don’t believe that
my serious relationships ended because I was too open with my affection. Maybe
I’m wrong, but even if I am, I don’t think I would be happy long term with
someone who didn’t like that about me.
Regardless, I still wonder. Should I change? Are they right?
Should I follow what people, who have obviously had more success than me in
relationships, are telling me to do? I worry so much about making people happy –
I want the people around me to be glad that I’m there so I do try really hard
to not be inconvenient in any regard. I have a constant battle going on in my
head, trying to determine if I really am staying true to myself and who I am,
or if I’m just stubbornly holding myself back from progressing and getting what
I actually want. It creates some lovely internal back and forth.
I feel incredibly blessed with the people I have in my life.
They are kind, generous, patient and tend to know what to say and when to say
it. Getting back into the groove of life after my Hawaii trip has been rough,
and one night after very little sleep, I had a conversation with someone that
reminded me of the insecurities I’ve acquired over my relationships. Particularly
the words, “You’ve made things too easy on me” were running through my mind
over and over again. Out of the blue, without any prompting or suggestions on
my part, I received the following texts from one of my friends. “Can I just say
how much I appreciate your effort in all things? You work so hard to be easy to
be around and fun to be around and thoughtful and kind and uplifting. It doesn’t
go unnoticed.”
Jon Katz wrote, “I think if I've learned anything about
friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight
for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired,
don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and
faith together. Powerful stuff.” I don’t know that I could make it through my
life without the family and friends who can just tell when I need some
encouragement. When I need someone to tell me that I’m doing ok. That in spite
of my huge mistakes, the trend is going up.
Chances are if you’re reading this, you’re one of those
people. So . . . thanks. More than you know.
