Monday, October 20, 2014

The Capacity to Face Trouble with Courage

The past few weeks have been . . . intense. Three of the best friends I've ever had are married. I'm so, so excited for them and the lives that await them with their husbands (they really found some great guys to marry), but a part of me is sad that our relationships will change. These are women with whom I've been through thick and thin, seen the ups and downs of relationships, joked that we would be single together forever and traveled together around the world.

My car has decided to get needy the past few weeks. Blew out a tire, had to replace all four of them, and fix the alignment. On the way back from the mechanic, a semi-truck kicked up a huge rock and shattered my windshield. I got a fix-it-ticket for my headlight being out, paid to have it replaced only to find out from another officer that they hadn't actually replaced it, but had just charged me for it.

Around this time I started asking my friends if they remembered me kicking a puppy or something recently, because I had some seriously bad karma running around the universe.

I love love love my job - my co workers are fabulous and I love what I do. But it's retail, and retail during the holidays means stress and more stress, so things have been a little crazy around the office.

Also during this same period, I started having relationship issues. (I know, shocking. I NEVER have relationship drama, so it's totally out of the blue.) Inevitably, this led to feelings of self doubt, hurt and despondence. It also led to a lack of sleep.

I didn't sleep for a couple nights in a row, and my energy started dropping. I refilled my Ambien prescription and had several solid nights of sleep. My energy dropped some more. I started working out consistently for the first time since my surgery. My head started hurting constantly. I ate healthier. My eye began twitching from the exhaustion and close friends were asking if I was sleeping and if I'd been crying recently. I increased my caffeine intake. My throat started hurting.

Long story short, I have mono. It's certainly not the end of the world, but I will confess to feeling overwhelmed this weekend. I've been trying so hard to be good; to do good. To be happy even though I feel terrible. To work hard and focus and reach outside of myself. To keep my eye focused on the important things in life and continue to be kind even though I'd really rather just speak my mind.

I asked my brother in law for a blessing of health. In the blessing, he told me to remember that trials are for my good - that trials make me better. They aren't something to tear me down or something to simply be endured, but that I will come out of them better. Not worse.

Haruki Murakami said, "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." Such a simple concept, yet I have to be constantly reminded of this. Trials make us who we are! They give us the strength to dig deep, to become more.

A man who endured great trials was once quoted to say, "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."

Monday, October 6, 2014

30 Before 30 - 30 Books

When I was creating my 30 Before 30 list, I knew I wanted to include a goal about reading. Not that I needed to set a goal about it, since I’m constantly reading, but I thought it would encourage me to read books that I’ve been “meaning” to read for years and force me outside of my comfort zone. I love rereading books, and I tend to read the same things over and over again rather than branch out. However, in retrospect I maybe should have set more of stretch goal in this area . . . like maybe 300 books.

Regardless, I felt like my books goal deserved its own post since I love discussing books so much. So here it is – the 30 (new) books I’ve read since I made this goal last summer! I’m also including how I read it – Audiobook, Kindle or physical book. Because I’m a geek and that kind of information is interesting to me . . .

1. “The Mortal Instruments – City of Bones” by Cassandra Clare (Audiobook)
The movie was coming out soon, and I’m always looking for a fun book series to get lost in. Sometimes I struggle to connect with the reader for audiobooks – that might have been the case here because I was underwhelmed with most of this book. I finished it, but only because I was running long distances at the time and needing something to listen to.
2. “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green (Audiobook)
This was a random book I found on a best sellers playlist and purchased out of the aforementioned need for running material. Finished it within two days because I couldn’t stop listening to it. Quickly has become one of my favorites (I know, I know – me and every 15 year old girl in the US). One of my favorite quotes: “Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.”
3. “Sagebrush Brides” by Carol Cox (Physical Book)
I have a strange collection of books in my possession that I couldn’t for the life of me tell you where they came from. It’s possible I raid books from my parent’s house without knowing it . . . if you’re ever missing a book after I’ve been to your house, feel free to accuse me. This was very similar to what you would expect from the title – silly love stories set in the old west.
4. “An Abundance of Katherine’s” by John Green (Audiobook)
With the wild success of TFIOS, I went for another John Green. Honestly . . . didn’t love it. Too much useless language. Or maybe I was too disturbed by the idea of creating a mathematical equation to determine the success of a relationship when I can’t quite get my spreadsheet of former relationships to result in any meaningful trend analysis. True story . . .
5. “Beautiful Boy” by David Sheff (Audiobook)
This was when I was still logged into my ex-boyfriend’s Audible account. (Don’t worry, he was using my Netflix login. We had worked it out.) I remember he had recommended it, and I was blown away. Gave me a lot of insight into what it must be as a parent to watch your lovely child make bad decisions, and how hard it is to walk away. Big empathy builder.
6. “Fahrenheit 451” by Ray Bradbury (Audiobook and Kindle)
At least a dozen times in my life when I’ve mentioned I love to read, I’ve been asked if I had read this book. It’s been on my list forever. As previously mentioned, I sometimes struggle with audiobooks depending on who’s reading it, so I had to switch to the Kindle about 3 chapters into this one. Loved it. Was disturbed by it. Continue to bring this one up in conversations. Quote: “If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn.”
7. “Mr. Darcy Broke My Heart” by Beth Pattillo (Physical Book)
Another book that I can’t account for where it came from. Whatever you’re inferring from the title, you’re right.
8-12.“The Selection” series by Kiera Cass (Kindle)
This series actually accounts for the next 4 books as well, so I’ll just knock out the whole thing here. Another best seller list, took a chance. It’s The Hunger Games meets The Bachelor and I loved it. I started reading before the final book came out, but I managed to get my sister and her daughter hooked on it while we waited, just so I had someone who was feeling the pain too.
13. “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak (Audiobook and Kindle)
Another one that everyone asks if I’d read, another that I had to switch from audiobook to kindle. It also happens to be one of my best friend’s favorite books of all time, and the movie was coming out. As good as everyone told me it was going to be. Quote: “A DEFINITION NOT FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY - Not leaving: an act of trust and love, often deciphered by children”
14. “Cinder” by Marissa Meyer (Audiobook)
A risk taken off a random internet recommendation. I thought I was interested enough to keep reading, but I’ve had the sequel for months and haven’t picked it up. Mostly want to know how it ends and haven’t been able to find a good summary online to satiate my curiosity.
15. “Persuasion” by Jane Austen (Audiobook)
There are classics made into movies that I love, but I’ve never read them. It turns out you can frequently buy the audiobooks for cheap. Have loved this story for years – loved the book even more.
16. “The Poisonwood Bible” by Barbara Kingsolver (Audiobook)
One that had been recommended by several people. Interesting read – listened to it while I was commuting up to Midway for a show I was in. The characters rubbed me the wrong way, which I suppose was kind of the point on some level.
17. “David and Goliath” by Malcolm Gladwell (Physical Book)
I joined a book club at the beginning of the year, which has been amazing. I’ve read so many books that I might not have read otherwise. This was the first, and it continues to be one I reference constantly in everything from business meetings to church meetings to first dates. Quote: “Much of what we consider valuable in our world arises out of (these) one-sided conflicts. Because the act of facing overwhelming odds, produces greatness and beauty.”
18. “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand (Kindle)
Book Club Book. Hands down, one of the most incredible stories I have ever heard. Possibly one of the hardest books I’ve ever read, but comparable to “The Hiding Place” for me. (Those of you who know me well know that I’ve referred to that book on at least a monthly basis since I read it 15 years ago.)
19. “Paper Towns” by John Green (Audiobook)
Another John Green attempt. I’ve decided at this point I really only loved TFIOS and it must have just been the cancer/death theme that I related to. Quote: “I'm starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It's so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.”
20. “The Aviator’s Wife” by Melanie Benjamin (Kindle)
Book Club Book. Historical Fiction about Charles Lindberg’s wife. Generated a lot of good discussion, but the character drove me crazy with her choices.
21. “Edenbrooke” by Julianne Donaldson (Kindle)
If by some miracle there is someone still reading this post and you are a woman and you haven’t read Edenbrooke, STOP EVERYTHING AND GO READ THIS!! It’s an easy read and I think I audibly sighed about 82 times during the few hours it took me to read it. I kind of want to go reread it right now in fact . . .
22. “The Problem of Pain” by C.S. Lewis (Audiobook)
I’ve listened to this one 3 times since I purchased it. Per usual, he manages to strengthen my testimony of Christ and ensure me that I can make it through whatever is going on. Quote: “Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.”
23. “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Alborn (Physical Book)
Started reading this book when it was given to me by a BF several years ago. Didn’t finish it, we broke up and I stowed it away. When it was my turn to pick a book for book club, I wanted a reason to finish it, so this was what I chose. Love his observations on pain and living and what’s really important. Quote: “Accept who you are; and revel in it.”
24. “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd (Kindle)
Book Club Book. Decent read, decent conversation.
25. “The Currents of Space” by Isaac Asimov (Audiobook)
One of the more bizarre books I’ve ever read. It was cheap and I needed something to listen to at the gym, but it was rare that it would hold my attention throughout an entire workout. As such, it took me a good month to listen to this short book.
26. “Duty to the Dead” by Charles Todd (Kindle)
I spent the whole book feeling like I was just about to get interested in what was going on. I didn’t quite make it, but it was good enough that I bought the next one in the series and it’s in my Kindle queue.
27. “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn (Kindle)
Book Club Book. I honestly feel embarrassed to admit that I made it through this entire book because the language is so horrendous. I think I was one of two people who actually read it in the club. Definitely not a touchy-feely read.
28. “Love Letters to the Dead” by Ava Dellaira (Audiobook)
I actually bought this one because I found a Buzzfeed post that had a ton of quotes from it and I was really intrigued by what I read. However, I was so distracted by the underage drinking, bad choices and unhealthy way of dealing with pain and death that I can’t ever remember hearing any of the quotes that I loved from the original post. For the record, quote: “You can be noble and brave and beautiful and still find yourself falling.”
29. “Northanger Abbey” by Jane Austen (Audiobook)
Another of the classics that I’d never read. My least favorite Austen book because I feel like the heroine doesn’t actually do anything heroic. But then again, how many of our lives would feel heroic to someone looking in?
30. “The Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson (Kindle)
Last but not least! Book Club Book. Hands down one of the most disturbing books I’ve ever read. True story of a serial killer in the 1893 World’s Fair. Not all of the members of book club made it through, and I may or may not have had to read roughly 5 chapters in the Book of Mormon before I could go to sleep after I finished it.

So there it is! I know this post was ridiculously long, but I had fun keeping track of the books as I read them, and I loved the things that I learned. Two things I love about reading: the fact that it takes me away to a different place, and the fact that when I come back, I’m never quite the same.